I've Got Your Number
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Dylan has a problem and needs to tell someone. Instead of Rita, he chooses Lofty. Based on recent episodes (August 2015). WARNING: This is a romance.
1. Chapter 1

_This story is for Tanith Panic because she's such a great friend. I've hardly written Dylan or Lofty before so I don't know how successful will be, but I hope you like it. Lofty will be called Ben in this story as that's how Tanith Panic thinks of him. If anyone else would like me to write a story for them, you only have to ask._

* * *

Dylan was still trying to keep it together when Ben appeared in front of him. Dylan didn't look at him: the sight of Ben 'Lofty' Chiltern was no use at all if your object was to keep calm – but Dylan didn't need to see him. He knew the sympathetic, concerned look that would be on his face as he wondered what was wrong with the consultant. He'd seen it so many times and secretly longed that one day it might be directed at him.

Now it was, he couldn't appreciate it. He hated to show weakness to anyone and to show it to Ben seemed even worse.

"I know it's none of my business," said Ben. "I know I'm just a student nurse and I should just mind my own business."

"Then why don't you?" said Dylan, and turned his back.

He could imagine the hurt look on Ben's face too. "But if you did want to talk…" said Ben.

"I very much doubt that hell is going to freeze over anytime soon," said Dylan.

He heard the smallest, slightest intake of breath. "Sorry," said Ben. He moved away.

"Ben…"

The footsteps stopped. "Yes?"

Dylan couldn't quite believe he was going to say it. But he needed help, Ben had offered and he was unsettled enough to care that he'd probably hurt Ben's feelings. He slowly turned to face him.

As soon as he did, he realised that making up his mind wasn't the same as knowing what he was going to say.

"Can we…" said Dylan, gesturing vaguely to his right.

"The broom closet?" said Ben, surprised.

"This is private," said Dylan.

Ben nodded and they went into the cupboard together. Dylan switched the light on. It wasn't especially small, but a lot of the space was taken up with brooms and even more space was taken up with things that weren't brooms.

Dylan found he was counting the brooms and was very relieved to discover there were five of them.

"What is it?" said Ben gently.

Dylan looked into his kind eyes and felt the stirrings of panic. It was nothing like the panic he had felt in Bay 4, but it was enough to convince him that it might be better to keep his irrational fears to himself. "No. This isn't a good idea." He opened the door again and looked out into the corridor. Four people were standing at one end, talking.

He turned back to Ben, who was looking bewildered but not hurt. "We don't have to talk now, Dylan. We could talk another time."

"No." For the third time in as many minutes (another reason to make this his final decision), Dylan changed his mind. He shut the door. "I have a problem."

"I'd like to help you with it if I can," said Ben simply.

"There are… things I have to do," said Dylan. "Checklists. Counting things."

Ben looked at him uncertainly. "I suppose even being a consultant has its dull side."

"No!" burst out Dylan. The sound created a slight echo in the tiny cupboard. Ben took a step back, but luckily not quite enough for him to end up in a heap with the brooms. Dylan tried to continue more calmly. "No. Not things that are my job. Things that aren't my job, but I have to do them or I couldn't do my job."

Ben's face was screwed up in concentration. "Could you maybe give me an example?"

Dylan showed Ben his lucky charm. "I have this. I have to have it. And I can't do a procedure without checking things through, even though I know the procedure. And I have to count things."

"What would happen if you didn't do it?" asked Ben.

"A patient would die," said Dylan.

"That seems like a good reason for doing it to me," said Ben.

Dylan was shaking his head. "No. You don't understand. This is stupid. I'm going."

He turned away, but felt Ben's hand on his sleeve. "No, don't go, Dylan. I know I'm stupid, but I really do want to help."

Dylan heard the sincerity in his tone and hesitated. "You won't tell anyone?"

"Of course not," said Ben.

His voice rang with certainty. Dylan faced him again. "The things I do: I don't really do them for a good reason. Intellectually, I don't think the patient will be in any more danger. In some cases, a patient might be in more danger with a checklist because it delays treatment. Especially when everyone starts arguing about it."

Ben nodded sympathetically.

"But it's a feeling I get," said Dylan. "A feeling that the patient will die."

"So you do it because you care about your patients," said Ben. "And that's a good thing."

"No, I don't care about my patients," said Dylan. "All I care about is doing my job. And that is keeping patients alive."

"That's even more important than caring," said Ben.

Dylan was silent, wondering how to put his feelings into words; wondering if he dared. Could he really trust Ben? He was only a nurse and not a very bright one. He might easily not understand. "But sometimes I... I panic. If I get it into my head that the situation isn't safe, I don't know what to do."

"Is there anything you could do to make it safe?" said Ben. "Or anything I could do when I'm working with you?"

Dylan surprised himself by feeling touched. There was nothing Ben could do to help him, but he was trying so hard. "I try to keep it safe, Ben. I do my checklists. But I can't control everything. I can't control the most important thing of all."

"What's that?" Ben almost breathed the word.

"I think it might sound stupid," said Dylan.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure I've said and believed much stupider things," said Ben.

"I'm sure you have, but that's hardly the point," said Dylan.

Ben lowered his head. "No. Of course not."

Dylan felt guilty. "I didn't mean to…" He stopped himself, frustrated. "I don't like working in… in one of the bays. The one after three. Or the cubicle with the same number. Or anything that's related to it."

"You don't like the number… the number after three," said Ben.

Dylan sneaked a glance at him. There was sympathy on Ben's face, but no obvious pity or even surprise. Just acceptance that this was the way it was. "If I work in that bay or that cubicle, the patient will die. I know they will. A part of me knows they won't, but the feelings are too strong."

Ben nodded. "Then I'll do everything I can to make sure you don't have to work there."

Dylan stared at him. He'd had a feeling Ben would be kinder than most; would make the effort to understand. He hadn't expected this. "Why would you do that?"

"Because part of my job is to help the doctors to do their jobs," said Ben simply.

Dylan felt crushing disappointment. He knew it had been foolish to hope there might be another reason why Ben would want to help him, but he hadn't been able to help his hopes from rising.

That wasn't important, however. All that mattered was that Ben wanted to help him.

He looked into Ben's eyes. There was the concern and sympathy he'd expected, but also determination.

Even if his reasons for helping weren't the stupid reasons Dylan had dreamed of, there was no doubt that he did want to help.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tanith Panic** , I'm so happy you like it! I relate to Dylan too and I agree that Ben would be more likely to get through to Dylan than some of the others. Besides, being mean to Ben is like kicking a puppy and I somehow can't imagine Dylan doing that!

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. It was a horrible moment when Dylan shouted at Lofty in the last episode - completely wrong of Dylan so I felt for Lofty, but I could also feel all the pain behind Dylan's outburst. I love how the Casualty writers can make me see both sides of an argument!

 **Tato Potato** , Lofty has always seemed like a really empathic character to me - he doesn't always know what to say, but his facial expressions are very eloquent. I'm enjoying giving him a voice! Thank you for your review.

 **xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you very much for your review and your kind words. I will keep going - Chapter 3 needs a bit of rewriting as I've had an idea that I hope will improve it, but I will try to put it up tomorrow.

 **Jinxy13112** , thank you for your review and the correction. I have to admit I'm very confused about the nurses and who is at which level, so I do need to sort that out!

* * *

Ben was keeping a close eye on Dylan.

He often did keep a close eye on Dylan, simply because there wasn't anywhere he wanted to look more, but it was different now.

Now, Dylan needed someone to look out for him, and Ben knew this was one thing he really couldn't mess up.

He felt his heart aching again as he remembered the way Dylan had looked at him. Not, it was true, in the way he most wanted Dylan to look at him, but in a way that had got to him all the same. He was so used to Dylan displaying little emotion other than disdain and impatience – both of which had been directed at Ben more times than he liked to remember – and to see him as he'd been yesterday had been painful.

There had been fear in Dylan's eyes as he'd talked about the number that bothered him. Horror as he'd confessed his belief that neglecting certain actions would cause a patient to die. Even though Ben had never been in Dylan's situation, he knew what it was like to be afraid. He knew what it was like to be willing to do anything rather than risk losing a patient.

Dylan's voice had even come close to trembling once or twice and all Ben had wanted was to put his arms around him and tell him everything would be all right.

But he couldn't. Even if he wasn't afraid of Dylan's reaction, you could never be sure anything would be all right in this job.

"Haven't you got any work to do, Ben?" asked Dylan as he passed Ben in the corridor, but Ben liked to think there was less bite in his voice than there would usually have been.

"Why?" said Ben. "Have you got any work for me to do?"

Dylan rolled his eyes eloquently and started to walk away, but then he stopped and spoke in a low voice. "You can't hang around here all day, Ben. You need to be doing something."

Ben nodded and watched as Dylan went to collect a patient. As he walked, he glanced at the cubicles. Ben saw his shoulders tense. Ben hurried towards him, but Dylan was already walking away.

Ben stopped and looked at the cubicles and saw immediately what was wrong. Cubicle 4 was the only one that was empty.

Ben dashed into the cubicle and looked around desperately. He didn't know what he could do. There wasn't time to remove the bed. If only there was some way of getting a patient from somewhere. Dylan couldn't use the cubicle if it was already occupied. But Ben could hardly run into the waiting room and grab a patient.

Unless... unless Ben himself was the patient...

Ben picked up a sick bowl and climbed onto the bed.

Seconds later, Dylan arrived. He stopped outside the entrance to the cubicle. "Ben, what are you doing?"

"I don't feel well," said Ben. "So I'm lying down."

Dylan hesitated. The correct thing to do would be to send Ben away so he could treat his patient. But Dylan didn't do it. "Then we'd better find somewhere else." He and his patient left.

Ben climbed off the bed and returned the bowl to its correct place. He tried to feel relieved he'd saved Dylan this time, but he was worried. He'd been able to help Dylan because he was in the right place at the right time, but next time, things could be very different.

* * *

Ben soon discovered that keeping an eye on Dylan made his job much more difficult, but nothing would have made him stop. He was shouted at by Rita for not paying attention and by Tess for dropping something. He couldn't blame Rita as he had been thinking about Dylan rather than listening to her explaining something he'd done hundreds of times before, but he was sad to be shouted at for being clumsy again. Ben only really became clumsy when he was nervous – and at the moment when he'd dropped the files, he'd been seriously worried. He'd just heard someone cry out and was convinced it was Dylan, but he couldn't explain that to Tess so he just apologised and accepted her harsh words.

Tess had been harsh quite a lot lately. Ben suspected she had something on her mind and was concerned - but Dylan was the person who needed him now.

As soon as Tess let him go, Ben hurried off in search of Dylan and was relieved to see him coming out of Cubicle 6. Their eyes locked for a moment and Dylan came towards them. "Is there a problem, Ben?" he asked. His words were sharp, but Ben was sure it was only for the benefit of anyone listening.

"No. I thought I heard someone cry out," said Ben. "Like they were scared or something."

"Oh. That was me," said Dylan.

Ben's heart was in his mouth. "You? Are you okay?"

Dylan sighed. "Ben, don't be ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me who screamed. It was me who caused the scream. Some people have a very low pain threshold."

"Oh right. Sorry," said Ben, and moved away, but he wasn't nearly as downhearted as he could have been. If it had happened yesterday, he was sure Dylan would have told him not to be ridiculous and left it at that. But this time, impatient as his voice had been, he'd said everything he'd needed to say to assure Ben he was all right.

* * *

As Dylan pushed the trolley towards Resus, he tried to work out which bays would be available. He thought there were only two currently in use as he'd been trying to keep track of them. He'd done this every day since he'd realised he couldn't work in Bay 4. He knew that knowing beforehand wouldn't necessarily help him, but he felt like he had to be prepared. He had to think ahead and try to divert the patient if Rita, who was at the head of the trolley, seemed to be leading him into Bay 4.

It was his job, wasn't it, to do his best to save the patient? That was all he was doing. Keeping the patient safe. Doing everything he could to ensure they didn't die.

They entered Resus and Dylan saw that he was right. Bays 3 and 4 were both free, but 4 was nearer and he could tell that Rita was gently steering the trolley in that direction.

Dylan looked around in a panic. There had to be something he could do; something he could say. He should have worked this out beforehand. Ways of avoiding Bay 4. Ways of convincing the nursing staff and paramedics that they mustn't take the patient there – but without revealing the truth because no-one else would understand.

Ben understood, but Dylan didn't think he could help this time.

Ben was in Bay 2, but he didn't seem to be doing anything. He looked up and his eyes caught Dylan's.

"Rita?" said Ben, and ran towards her. Then he appeared to slip or trip or something and, with a cry of pain, he disappeared from Dylan's view.

"Ben: what are you doing? Get up!" said Rita. "We're trying to get the patient in there."

"I can't," said Ben from the floor.

Dylan still couldn't see him. He felt panic rising. He needed to know if Ben was helping him out of a difficult situation again or if he'd become another casualty of Bay 4. It was true that Ben hadn't died, but perhaps there was a limited danger to nurses too.

"What do you mean? Why can't you get up?" said Rita.

Dylan spoke quickly. "We can't worry about this now. Take the patient into Bay 3."

Rita looked again in Ben's direction. From the set of her shoulders, Dylan knew it wasn't a friendly look, but to his relief, she turned back to them and said in an irritated voice: "Bay 3 then."

As the trolley swung away, Ben finally became visible. He was sitting on the floor, holding his knee. Dylan made a quick survey. There were no obvious signs of pain. He didn't look pale or tense and there was no audible change to his breathing.

When Dylan mouthed 'thank you' at him, Ben gave the tiniest nod.


	3. Chapter 3

**Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you like the title. I find titles really difficult so it's always nice to get a positive comment about them. I'm happy you like Dylan and Ben's friendship so far. They're difficult to write but fun! Thank you for your review.

 **xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you think the sick bowl bit was typical - I had real trouble knowing what Lofty would do in that situation so I'm happy I got something right!

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Lofty is coming across as sweet as that's how I see him - really, really sweet! It's sad no-one's helping Dylan in the series though.

* * *

 _I hope the bits about Dervla are realistic. I have never owned a dog (I'm actually really scared of them) so I'm not sure if she's convincingly doglike or not. I don't hate dogs, though. I just prefer to admire them from a bit of a distance._

* * *

As soon as Ben thought it was safe, he bent and stretched his knee a few times and got carefully to his feet, testing his leg carefully to see if it would bear his weight. It did of course: there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. His shin was hurting a little bit and Ben guessed there would be a bruise tomorrow, but it was a small price to pay if it saved the patient's life.

He wasn't at all sure he believed that Bay 4 was dangerous or not. A lot of people didn't believe in superstition and Ben could understand why. But Ben always tried to respect other people's beliefs and opinions and he knew the patient would have a greater chance of survival if the doctor was calm. No doctor could feel calm if he didn't believe he was in control of the situation.

Ben went back to work and did his best to avoid Rita. There was no opportunity for her to speak to him over the next few hours as the cubicles became very busy, but Ben felt her eyes on him on a number of occasions. This made him nervous, but Ben tried his hardest to control it and there were no accidents. He worked particularly hard when he was with Rita, but her expression remained stern whenever she looked at him and Ben knew he'd have to be careful from now on.

Even if he managed to avoid her today, there was always tomorrow.

* * *

Dylan didn't think he'd ever been so relieved to see the end of his shift. He walked out of the hospital, barely acknowledging the few people who bothered to say goodbye to him. The afternoon had been easy by the standards of an ED, but he was exhausted. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, constantly waking himself up with his own yells as he dreamed of Bay 4 and patients he should have saved.

He was halfway across the car park when he heard running feet. "Dylan, wait up?"

Dylan would have ignored any other voice, but not this one. "Ben."

"Hey," said Ben. He looked at Dylan and a shy expression crossed his face. "I was just wondering…"

"Either spit it out, Ben, or walk with me," said Dylan. "I haven't got time to stand around and wait for you to remember how to talk."

"I'll walk with you if that's okay," said Ben. "I don't want Rita to see me. I don't think she likes me at the moment."

Dylan flicked him a concerned look as they walked. He didn't want to care about Ben; he didn't want to care about anyone, but sometimes he didn't have a choice. "This isn't about the situation in Resus, is it?"

"No, I don't think so," said Ben. "I did lots of things wrong today."

"Because of me?" said Dylan.

"No. Of course not. Because of me," said Ben. "I dropped a few things today."

Dylan felt he was telling the truth and it was true that Ben had a reputation for dropping things, but he couldn't help thinking there was more to it than that.

"How are you?" said Ben. His voice was soft.

Dylan wanted to keep looking straight ahead of him, but he couldn't resist Ben's voice. He turned his head to see Ben's concerned gaze. Dylan opened his mouth to give some sort of dismissive reply to discourage further questions, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't hurt Ben. "I'm all right. Thank you for your help today."

There was an abruptness in his tone, but Ben didn't seem hurt or offended. "Not a problem, Dylan," he said. "Not a problem at all. Do you… do you want to go and get something to eat?"

"Together?" said Dylan, trying to ignore the word with exactly the wrong number of letters hovering around inside his brain. _It's not a_ date _, Dylan. It's definitely not a date. You're too old and too weird and he might not even be gay._

The corner of Ben's mouth lifted. "I thought together."

Dylan wanted to say yes.

He didn't.

"I can't," he said shortly. "I've got to pick up Dervla."

"She could come with us," said Ben.

"I've got food on the boat," said Dylan. "It needs to be eaten."

Ben's face fell, but then he smiled. "That's okay, Dylan. Maybe another time."

Dylan blurted it out before the second thoughts could creep in. "Unless you wanted to come back to the boat. To eat."

"I'd love to," said Ben simply.

"Right," said Dylan. He felt excited, terrified, happy… so many emotions all at once. He tried not to show any of them. "Then you'd better come with me."

* * *

Ben waited outside as Dylan went to collect Dervla. He couldn't quite believe this was happening.

He didn't know if this was a date or a friends thing or just Dylan asking for more support, but he realised he didn't mind. He was just happy to be here. He was going to Dylan's houseboat for a meal: something he'd never believed would happen.

He heard Dylan's voice before he saw him, though it didn't sound like his usual voice at all. It sounded almost… well, soppy. And Ben loved it.

"I've got a friend for you to meet, Dervla," Dylan was saying. "He's called Ben and he's a nurse and he's a very nice man, so make sure you're on his best behaviour for him. No wiping your muddy paws on his nice trousers or mistaking his leg for a lamp-post like you did with Caleb's leg. Yes, you were a bad girl that day, Dervla, but you're not a bit sorry, are you? You think it serves him right for shouting at you when you jumped up at Nathan... no, Evan… oh, what's his name? Dr Hardy. And you do have a point, Dervla. I don't want anyone shouting at my girl. But Ben isn't like Caleb or Dr Hardy. He's a nice boy. He never shouts and I'm sure he wouldn't scream if you jumped up at him. You'll like him, Dervla. And he'll love you."

Ben smiled as he listened, and tried not to read too much into the comments about his being a nice man/boy with nice trousers.

Dylan came into view, Dervla at his side. "Dervla, this is Ben. Most people call him Lofty, but I don't. Ben, this is Dervla."

Dervla walked over to Ben and sniffed his knees delicately before looking up at him.

"Hi, Dervla," said Ben. He bent down and touched her head. "You're beautiful, aren't you? Prettiest lady I've seen all day. To be honest, I don't usually like ladies very much, except my mate Robyn of course, but I'll make an exception for you, Dervla."

He looked at Dylan. There was an odd expression on the consultant's face. It took Ben a few moments to realise that Dylan was smiling.


	4. Chapter 4

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for inspiring me to create it. I would never have thought of Dylan and Ben as a couple without you! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I think it's a bit weak and clichéd, so I'm really hoping this is one of the occasions when I'm wrong. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I usually only read Cal and Ethan stories too. I do enjoy other stories when I read them, but there are so many stories and so little time! Thank you for making an exception for my story.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. There isn't any intimacy between Dylan and Lofty in this chapter (well, not of the kind I think you mean), but you never know what might happen in the future!

* * *

They walked with Dervla between them, but Ben didn't feel as though she was keeping them apart. If anything, the dog was like a link between them. Dylan had said little to him on the way to pick up Dervla and Ben hadn't known how to fill the silence, but now it was easy. If Ben wanted Dylan to talk to him, all he had to do was say something about Dervla.

Of course, it was difficult to get a word in edgeways sometimes because Dylan kept talking to Dervla, but Ben didn't mind that.

"Remember, Dervla: best behaviour," said Dylan. "Ben can be an idiot and I've told him so on many occasions, but he really helped me today. I had a couple of problems and I didn't know how I was going to sort it out, but Ben helped me. First he pretended he felt sick and then he pretended to fall over. He's smarter than he looks, this boy. "

Dervla turned towards him and gave a little bark.

"You're welcome, Dervla," said Ben. He managed to keep his voice calm, but inside, he was singing. He'd helped Dylan; Dylan appreciated it - and, perhaps most incredibly, he wanted Ben to know.

"Good girl, Dervla: you've remembered your nice manners," said Dylan. "You'll have to teach me sometime."

Ben smiled to himself. Was he imagining things, or had Dylan just made a joke? At his own expense too. He looked down at the beautiful dog by his side. "You're a good dog, aren't you? I'm sure Dylan thinks he's got you well-trained, but it's the other way round really, isn't it?"

Then he sneaked a glance at Dylan, rather shocked at what he'd just said, but Dylan just said: "You might be surprised," and left it at that.

Dervla really did seem like a good dog - he wasn't just saying it to make Dylan happy - so Ben was surprised when she suddenly stopped walking.

"No, Dervla, not today," said Dylan.

Dervla pulled on her lead as she tried to walk towards Ben.

"Does she want me to hold her lead?" said Ben.

Dylan almost looked amused. "Irresistibly handsome as you are, Ben, I think it's more to do with the butcher's shop behind you. Dervla never forgets a shop that gives her free sausages."

 _Irresistibly handsome?_ thought Ben, before telling himself it was just sarcasm.

"No, Dervla: we're not going in there today," said Dylan sternly. "I don't want a fat dog. You might sink the boat."

Dervla gave a little whine. It had no effect on Dylan, so she tried her doggy-eyes on Ben instead.

"Stop flirting with Ben, you bad dog," said Dylan, though he couldn't keep the affection out of his voice. He also couldn't stop himself from stroking Dervla's head.

"I'm sure a few tiny little scraps wouldn't hurt her," said Ben, his heart melting as Dervla looked at him imploringly.

Dylan sighed. "Fine. You take her." He held the lead out to Ben. "If she gets too fat for the boat, you're keeping her."

Ben laughed. He knew Dylan didn't mean that. If Dylan had to choose between the dog and the boat, he would only ever make one choice.

As Ben reached out his hand for the lead, his eyes met Dylan's. He felt his heart jumping. It must be a trick of the light, he thought. Dylan can't really be looking at me like he-

Then Dylan's expression changed to one of fear.

"Dervla!" shouted Dylan.

Ben looked down, but the dog wasn't there. He spun round to see her running into the road.

Into the path of a No. 4 bus.

Ben wouldn't have said rugby was his best sport. He thought he was probably an all-rounder, in that he was equally bad at everything. But he thought his rugby coach might have been quite impressed by the way he launched himself at Dervla and caught her around the middle.

The bus rolled past, just inches from Dervla's nose.

Ben took a minute to catch his breath, then he took a firm hold of Dervla's lead and turned towards Dylan.

Dylan was standing where he'd left him. Ben ran towards him and put his hand on his arm. Dylan didn't react. He was pale and trembling, his breath coming in gasps.

Ben put his arm around him, though he was very careful not to let go of Dervla. "It's okay, Dylan. Dervla's fine. Can you take some deep breaths for me? Dylan?"

Dylan finally turned towards Ben, though his eyes were wide and staring. "The number…"

"I know," said Ben. "But Dervla's safe. Look at her: she's fine."

Dervla put a paw on Dylan's knee. Maybe it was Ben's imagination, but she looked really worried.

Dylan finally looked down. He dropped to his knees rather suddenly as though his knees had given way and hugged Dervla fiercely, still breathing hard.

Ben knelt down too. "It's okay, Dylan. Do think you could take some deep breaths for me now?"

"I thought…" said Dylan, but he finally began to breathe as Ben had instructed.

"I know," said Ben. He rubbed Dylan's shoulder and tried to ignore the urge to massage the tension out of it. "But it's okay now."

* * *

Dylan was still feeling shaky, but he did his best to hide it. He felt embarrassed now by his reaction, but Ben seemed to find it completely normal. Once they arrived at the houseboat, Ben told Dylan to sit down.

"I'm all right," said Dylan, trying to speak firmly.

"I know you are, but Dervla might need a cuddle," said Ben.

Dylan searched his face suspiciously, but he saw nothing but sympathy, and that could be meant for Dervla. He sat down and hugged Dervla while Ben filled her bowl with water and put it on the floor in front of her.

"There you are, Dervla," said Ben. "Drink that. You've had a shock and we need to look after you."

Dervla showed no signs of moving. Dylan knew she'd sensed his anxiety. She always did.

"Go on, Dervla. Look: Ben's got you a nice bowl of water," said Dylan.

Dervla reluctantly moved away from him, but after nuzzling Ben's hand, she lapped up the water with enthusiasm.

"Good girl," said Ben. He looked at Dylan and smiled.

"Besotted," said Dylan, almost to himself.

"What!?" said Ben. He looked alarmed.

"You and Dervla," said Dylan. He bent down and stroked Dervla's back, trying to ignore the pounding in his heart as he remembered what had nearly happened. "Completely besotted."


	5. Chapter 5

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for all your lovely comments! I hope you enjoy the next chapter. I just had a feeling that the way to Dylan's heart might be through his dog!

 **xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you like the ending. It wasn't originally going to be the ending, but I'm really glad I changed it now!

* * *

Ben was trained in how to look after people who'd suffered a shock, but it was different when it was Dylan. Ben always found it a little bit upsetting to see someone unwell or injured or upset - he found it impossible not to feel some of their pain - but that was something he managed to keep under control because that was part of his job.

But Dylan was different. Partly because there was a fair chance he'd bite Ben's head off if he showed too much sympathy; partly because he was Dylan and Ben loved him.

He could tell that Dylan was struggling to keep it together. His hand trembled; Dylan clenched it into a fist. His lip trembled; he bit it hard. Ben didn't react to this because he knew Dylan wouldn't want him to, but when Dylan's whole body started to shake, Ben couldn't pretend anymore. He put his arms around Dylan. "It's okay, Dylan. It's okay. Dervla's fine."

He expected Dylan to push him away, but he didn't. "But what if she isn't safe, Ben? You saw the number. You saved her this time and I'm grateful, but what about next time? You can't always be here."

 _But I could be_ , thought Ben. _If you asked me to be_.

"You don't know there's going to be a next time," said Ben. "There will always be coincidences. Not everything is a sign." He wasn't sure that the number four meant anything in any context, but he knew it wouldn't help to say that. Dylan believed in it. That meant the problem was real. "What happened with Dervla wasn't because of anything you did. It was my fault. I was clumsy."

" _I_ gave you Dervla's lead," said Dylan. "And she nearly…" He began to tremble again.

Ben held him more tightly, which meant Dylan's head ended up on his shoulder. It looked good there. It felt right. Very gently, Ben stroked Dylan's hair. "It's okay, Dylan. Dervla's safe. So are you and I'm going to look out for you. I don't want anything to happen to either of you and I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't. I know that probably isn't very reassuring, coming from me. I'm probably the last person you'd want looking out for anyone and I'll probably do more harm than good and if you'd rather go and find someone more reliable, I do -"

"Oh, just shut up, Ben!" said Dylan.

Ben flinched away from him.

"And don't look at me like that. You look like Dervla when I say no to sausages."

Ben blurted out the first thing that came into his head. "Do you like sausages, Dylan?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," said Dylan. "And to go back to your previous point, there is no-one I would rather have looking out for me and Dervla. So get that through your thick skull."

"Yes, I always have had a thick skull," said Ben, as he stared at Dylan and wondered if having a thick skull could affect your hearing.

Dervla came over to Dylan and butted her head against his leg.

Dylan looked her for a moment and sighed. "You're right, Dervla. I shouldn't have said that. I don't think you're stupid, Ben. The only thing thick about you is your hair."

"I'll shave it all off if you don't like it," said Ben. He rather liked his hair, but anything for Dylan.

"Don't you even think about it." Dylan looked down at Dervla again, who was whining at Dylan reproachfully. "Oh, all right, Dervla! I'll tell him. Ben, I love your curly hair. I forbid you to cut it off. There. Now I've told you."

Ben stared at him. "You love my hair?"

Dylan sighed. "You really do have no idea, do you? Oh, come here." He grabbed Ben's head, burying his hands in the curly hair he loved – _loved!_ – and kissed him.

At first, Ben was too stunned to respond. Dylan was _kissing_ him. Really kissing him and he thought he was actually awake this time.

Dylan's lips and tongue teased Ben's frozen body into life again. He wrapped his arms tightly around Dylan's shoulders and kissed him back.

* * *

"I wish you didn't have to go," said Dylan.

Ben gave him another kiss. "I don't have to go."

"Staff Nurse Chiltern, you might be my boyfriend now, but that doesn't mean you can invite yourself to stay over on the first date."

"Sorry," said Ben, abashed.

Dylan kissed him. "I never realised what a slut you are. I'd like you to stay too, but we need to consider Dervla."

Ben smiled. "Dervla loves me."

"I know she does and I can understand why, but I want her to get used to you properly before she has to share a bed with you," said Dylan.

"Hold up." Ben took a step away. "I love Dervla. She's beautiful and clever and the best dog in the world, but I really don't think-"

Dylan shook his head. "That's the trouble with you, Ben. You always jump to conclusions. Dervla does like to sleep on my bed, but she and I don't share _quite_ everything. Now off you go. It's after 11 and if I catch you being late for work tomorrow, I will have to have a word with you."

"I almost want to be late now," said Ben.

His smile was irresistible. Dylan smiled back. "Then perhaps I'll have a word with you anyway."

* * *

When Ben arrived at work the next day, he literally walked into Dylan.

Of course, it was an accident, but you could get away with all sorts of things if you had an unfair reputation for being clumsy.

"Ben! Can't you learn to look where you're going?" said Dylan.

"Sorry, Dylan. I was looking for you," said Ben.

"Well, now you've found me," said Dylan softly.

Ben smiled at him. "So what do you want me to do now you've found me?"

"Take your clothes off," said Dylan.

"What!?" said Ben, shocked but aroused.

"Take your clothes off," repeated Dylan. "And then put your scrubs on." He gave Ben an exasperated look. "For goodness' sake, Ben: we're at work. What on earth did you think I meant?"

Ben smiled even more. "I wouldn't like to say, Dylan."

"I don't have time for this now," said Dylan. "Perhaps you could tell me what you thought I meant after work." He touched Ben's hand briefly and left him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tanith Panic** , your review made me feel really happy too! Thank you. I'm glad I was able to give Dylan some happy moments as he didn't get any in the series.

 **Tato Potato** , I never thought about Ben and Lofty as a couple until I read Tanith Panic's wonderful stories, but I have to say she's completely converted me! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ben knew he wasn't doing a very good job of hiding his emotions. Robyn, Max, Zoe, Tess and Connie had all commented on the fact he was in a good mood – with the first three being considerably happier about it than the last two. So far, he'd managed to avoid Rita, but he was a little bit worried a couple of little incidents might get back to her.

The first was when he dared Max to sneak a bed out of one of the cubicles without anyone noticing.

"Okay, I'll do Cubicle 1," said Max.

"No, Cubicle 4," said Ben at once.

Max didn't look keen. "Cubicle 1 would be easier."

Ben tried to look innocent. Luckily, as Dylan had told him last night, he was good at it. "It's not much of a dare if we take the easy option, is it?"

"Right. Cubicle 4 it is!" said Max.

Ben felt a bit nervous as they wheeled the bed through the hospital, but no-one made any comment and the two of them managed to take the bed right out into the car park, leaving it by the ambulance station.

"I can't believe no-one stopped us, said Max.

"You are a porter," said Ben. "Moving trolleys around is your job. No-one's going to think it's weird if they see you with a trolley. They might think it's weird that you've got a nurse helping you, but everyone knows I'm a complete mug who can be talked into anything."

Max laughed. "Fair point, mate!"

* * *

The missing bed – or rather its absence - was soon discovered and it wasn't long before a connection was made with the bed that had mysteriously appeared in the car park. Questions were asked, but Ben denied all knowledge of it and no-one had any reason to disbelieve him.

The second incident that might have been brought to Rita's attention was a return dare by Max. "I dare you to change one of the bays in Resus to Bay 5. We'll see how long it takes before anyone notices."

Ben wasn't about to say no to a dare like that. He knew exactly which number he was going to change too.

Max quickly created a nice big 5 sign. Lily gave them an annoyed look when she saw them on the computer and asked how long they were going to be, but Ben told her with more truth than Max could have realised that they were: "doing something for Dr Keogh."

"Why not Mrs Beauchamp?" said Max, when Lily had departed. "It carries more weight if you give the clinical lead's name."

"It's always good to vary your lies," said Ben airily. "Besides, Mrs Beauchamp has her own computer. "

* * *

Dylan wished Ben was there.

He was on his way to Resus and he didn't know how he was going to be able to deal with it. He'd thought of pretending the lights weren't working and switching off one of the machines, but he wasn't sure if that would work.

He couldn't describe the relief he felt when he saw Ben coming out of Resus. Ben stopped when he saw Dylan and winked. Then he walked away.

Dylan's anxiety returned. He didn't think Ben should be winking at him in public anyway, but how could he wink at him when he was about to go into Resus?

Dylan felt his heart rate increasing and tried to breathe deeply, as Ben had told him to the day before when he'd nearly lost Dervla. He just hoped his hands wouldn't start to shake. A doctor needed a steady hand and if Dylan let his shake at the wrong moment, Bay 4 would have won.

They went through the doors into Resus.

There were a couple of free bays, Dylan noted in relief. Perhaps Rita wouldn't lead them into Bay 4 this time.

He looked up at the wall and his mouth fell open slightly.

It was Bay 5 now. Bay 4 had gone. There were still four bays, but maybe everything would be all right. All because of Ben.

* * *

"Lofty, a word in my office, please," said Rita, when they finally had a moment to themselves, but Ben's eyes were on Dylan, who was helping to wheel another patient into Resus.

"I think Dylan wants me," said Ben, trying to edge away from her, but Rita caught his arm firmly.

"No. Dylan hasn't asked for any more help and considering your behaviour today, I doubt he'd want it to be you. Now, we can discuss the matter out here if you prefer, but if one of my nurses is behaving strangely for any reason, I need to know why."

Ben bit his lip and reluctantly followed her to her office. Rita could be the most empathic person in the world and Ben had a feeling she would understand better than most, but he'd promised Dylan he would tell no-one.

"Right," said Rita, once they were inside her office and the door was closed. "Are you going to tell me what's going on, Lofty?"

"I'm sorry, Rita," said Ben. "I know I haven't been myself. But all I want is to support you and the doctors and do my best for the patients."

"But the way you've behaved over the last couple of days: that hasn't helped the patients at all," said Rita. "Quite the opposite, in fact. You've feigned illness and injury and I know you had something to do with the bed going missing and the Bay 5 sign in Resus."

Ben looked at the floor. "I'm sorry, Rita."

"I'd like to accept your apology, Lofty," said Rita. "But you've put me in a very difficult position. There have been complaints. Not from the patients, but from a couple of the other nurses – and, more seriously, from Mrs Beauchamp. She's expecting me to punish you and unless you can provide me with a good reason for your behaviour, I'm afraid that's what I'm going to have to do."

"And if I don't?" said Ben in a small voice.

"Then, Lofty, I'm afraid I would have to consider suspending you. Or at least encourage you to take a break before I do have to suspend you."

Ben put his head in his hands. "I can't take a break, Rita. I can't."

"Then tell me what's wrong?" said Rita.

Ben's voice shook. "I can't tell you. Someone told me something in confidence and he asked me not to tell anyone."

"I do understand," said Rita gently. "And ordinarily, I would never ask someone to break a promise. But this is a bit different, Lofty. Potentially, your job's on the line. I'm sure this person you're supporting wouldn't want you to risk your whole career for him."

Ben said nothing.

"It's important to support the people we care about, Lofty, but sometimes a situation is too much for one person to handle," said Rita. "That doesn't make you weak or a bad friend. It just means you're trying to do something that's too much for one person. If you keep supporting him on your own, you could be the one who ends up hurt. And what will this friend of yours do if you're not here to support him?"

Ben looked at her helplessly and wondered what to do.

"Come on, Lofty," said Rita. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."


	7. Chapter 7

**Tato Potato** , I'm afraid you won't find out what Ben told Rita in this chapter, but I'm sure I'll tell you eventually! Thank you for your review and your continued support. I'm really happy you're reading and enjoying it.

* * *

Dylan walked out of Resus and tried not to smile.

It was very naughty of Ben, of course, but it had worked. Dylan had treated a patient in Bay 5 and he'd survived. Everything was fine.

The problem wasn't solved, of course. Dylan was fairly sure the sign wouldn't stay up there forever. Someone would eventually take it down and then it would be Bay 4 again, but it wasn't impossible it would stay up there for the rest of the day. The other doctors would be concerned with the patients and might not even notice the number had changed. Even if they did notice, there would be more important things to command their attention and by the time the patient was stable (or not), they might have forgotten all about it, or at least decided they wouldn't move anything until they'd checked with Connie.

Dylan went off to do some much-needed paperwork. It wasn't his favourite part of the job, though he never minded having a bit of a break from his colleagues, but right now Dylan was glad to have something to do that didn't involve patients. If he wasn't working with them, they couldn't die.

He knew that didn't make sense. This was a hospital and patients died here every day. They couldn't all be saved. But Dylan's job was to do everything he could to save as many people as possible and when it came to Bay 4 and cubicle 4, he felt as though he was putting his patients in further danger merely by his presence.

Some people would call it irrational. But a lot of people felt like that about certain medical procedures. He'd seen relatives horrified at the sight of a patient being shocked by the defibrillator or doctors using knives to cut into their bodies. It was part of the reason why doctors liked relatives to stay away: because they couldn't make sense of what they were seeing. Moving someone out of Bay 4 was mild by comparison, but Dylan really believed it worked.

When the phone rang, Dylan picked it up without thinking and found himself being asked to go down to Resus.

Dylan felt his chest tightening with the familiar panic. Not again. There should be a limit on the number of times a doctor could go to Resus in one day.

"What bay is the patient in?" he asked.

"I'm sorry: could you repeat that?"

"I said: what bay is the patient in?" Dylan almost snapped the words. If it was 1, 2 or 3, it would be fine. If they said 5, it would probably be fine.

"Bay 4," said the voice on the other end of the telephone.

Bay 4. Of course it was Bay 4. _It must be the most-used bay in the history of the hospital!_ Dylan thought angrily as he made his way to Resus. As soon as he arrived, his fears were realised. The 5 sign had been taken down.

Dylan looked at the uncovered four and wondered what he was going to do. He could try the trick with the lights. Maintenance were often very slow and if he said the lights weren't working now, Bay 4 could be out of use for the rest of the day.

"Sorry, Dylan," said a voice. "Looks like you're working with me."

Dylan would have known that voice anywhere. He turned to Ben and hoped he (but no-one else) could see how much he wanted to hug him. "I suppose we'll just have to do the best we can."

Ben gave him a confident smile and Dylan knew that, if nothing else, at least Ben believed in him.

* * *

"Clamp, please," said Dylan.

Ben handed it to him. Their hands brushed and Dylan felt warmth flowing through his body. He knew he might still mess this up, but Ben was on his side. Ben would help him if anything went wrong.

The patient started to show signs of distress and Charlie spoke soothingly. "It's all right. You're doing very well."

Dylan tried to pretend the words were for him. He knew he probably was doing very well. He appeared calm. He was getting on with his job. He was sure Charlie and the patient had no idea there was anything wrong with him. That was how he wanted it, but the only reason they didn't know was because Dylan had hidden it well.

But that didn't mean he liked it. Dylan hated exposing a patient to further danger. Of course he did. He was a doctor. Yet that was what he was doing by treating a patient in Bay 4.

Ben was standing beside Dylan with a concerned expression on his face. Charlie probably thought Ben was looking at the patient, but Dylan knew Ben was watching his hands and keeping his own fingers mentally crossed. Ben hadn't looked him in the eye since the procedure had begun, but Dylan could understand why. It was their secret. Just as his problem was their secret.

They continued almost in silence. Dylan worked on the incision. Ben handed him whatever he needed and let his hand brush Dylan's. Charlie continued to reassure the patient.

Finally, it was over. Dylan looked at the clock.

13.04. Dylan winced. Why did it have to be 13.04?

"Okay. Well done," said Charlie to the patient.

The girl was okay. She had a fractured collarbone and four fractured ribs and… oh God.

Four fractured ribs. The girl's father would be coming in to see her soon and Dylan would have to tell him what her injuries were. He would have to say the word. Here, in Bay 4.

He couldn't do it. How could anyone expect him to do that?

The girl was all right. She'd survived the procedure and there was no reason to fear complications.

Dylan let his gaze stray upwards to the number of the wall.

Then he turned to look at Ben.

Ben offered a small smile. It did help.

Ben had helped him before. Could he help Dylan again now? Ben wasn't known for his quickness, but Dylan knew there was no-one else he could ask. No-one else would be able to understand..

"Ben," said Dylan, and led him away from the others. "How many ribs were shown as fractured on the x-ray?"

"F-" Ben stopped. "Two each side."

"Two and two," said Dylan, almost to himself. Maybe that would work. "Two and two…"

"Two and two," confirmed Ben with a smile.

* * *

Ben couldn't stay long as Lily came to request his assistance in cubicles. Dylan would have gone with him, but he needed to speak to the patient's father first. He knew he could probably insist on Ben's staying. He was senior to Lily. If Dylan said he needed Ben's help, there was nothing Lily could do.

But there was no reason why Dylan would need him now.

Dylan felt physical pain as though Ben were literally being torn away from him. At the door, Ben turned and looked back at him. He looked as though he didn't want to go. He looked as though all he wanted was to run into Dylan's arms and be with him. Perhaps even say the words for him.

It was on the tip of Dylan's tongue to ask Ben to stay, but he knew he couldn't. It would raise questions and Dylan wanted to protect Ben from that. Dylan didn't want everyone to think of Ben the way they thought of him. He knew he wasn't what most people would consider normal. He'd always known that and he was made aware of it every day. There were some days when he convinced himself that he didn't mind. He liked being alone, after all. He was happy without close friends and the fact he'd got this far without them showed that he didn't need them.

But there were also days when it hurt; when every look or word or the way they emotionally pulled back from him broke his heart because what he wanted most of all, even more than solitude, was to be loved.

Dervla loved him, of course, but she wasn't a person.

Until yesterday, there had been no-one. But now there was Ben.


	8. Chapter 8

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like Lofty and Dylan's relationship - I really like how it's developing too. I just wish the future looked as promising on TV.

* * *

Dylan finished speaking to the patient and her father and watched in relief as they were finally moved from Resus; moved away from the dreaded number. He didn't know why she had escaped (almost) unscathed, but Dylan liked to think it was because he'd had Ben by his side.

He wished Ben was still there, but he knew they would be together soon. He had to make a phone call from Resus, but then he would go and find him. He would say he wanted a word with him about the patient they'd treated: something like that. Then they could go somewhere privately and Ben could give him a hug, because he needed one.

He needed Ben.

Dylan picked up the phone.

"Okay, over here," he heard Rita say.

He glanced over his shoulder to see a man being wheeled into Resus and taken to Bay 4. Dylan watched the door desperately, praying that Ben would follow so everything would be all right, but the only person who followed was a boy: dark-haired but not curly-haired and not Ben.

Dylan knew what he should do. He should put the phone down and get out before he was asked to help with the patient.

But he didn't move.

The boy went to the man's side, but the man spoke roughly. "I don't want you. Just go."

Dylan didn't usually care about the relations between patients and their relatives. It wasn't of any relevance to his job. But to hear a father speaking like that to (presumably) his son did strike an answering chord of pain inside Dylan.

He angrily told the pain to go away. Dylan had no father, or none he acknowledged. He had no reason to empathise with the boy.

It was the fear that was affecting him, of course. Weakening him. Making him more vulnerable. Making him remember.

"Dylan? Could you take over this gentleman, please?" said Rita. "He's got central chest pain."

Dylan put the phone down and slowly walked towards Bay 4.

"Okay: go slowly," Rita was saying.

"Right," said Dylan. He tried to focus on the patient. "Um, let's get a line in…." _Don't look at the number. Don't look at the number._

Rita and another nurse got the patient settled on the bed.

"Er… er… we need… um… aspirin… and…" Dylan looked at the number on the wall. He couldn't help it. It was just _there_. "…and… and… and… er, GTN spray." He tried to think. He had to think. This was his job and the patient needed him. He looked back at the patient. Chest pains: he had central chest pains. "Um… morphine if necessary… um…" He looked up at the 4 again. "Er… er…"

Rita turned to look at him, a concerned expression on her face.

"Let's get a twelve lead…" said Dylan. He hoped that was right.

The 4 was still there. Staring at him. Mocking him.

"Chest x-ray…" Yes, he could do this. It was only a number. He'd saved the last patient. He could save this one too.

It hung on the wall ominously.

"Blood gases…"

No. No, he couldn't do it. He was panicking now. He had to get out of here. He needed Ben.

"I'm going… I'm going to get you someone else," Dylan said shakily. He turned and left Resus.

* * *

Ben could see straight away that something had happened.

The first emotion that filled him was worry, but it was very quickly followed by guilt. What if Dylan knew? What if Rita had told him?

"Ben," said Dylan. His voice was strangled; his eyes wild.

Ben wanted to hug him, but it was too public. "What's happened?"

"I… I need a doctor," said Dylan.

Ben caught his arm. He would take any excuse to touch him. "Are you ill?"

"No. The patient's ill," said Dylan confusingly.

Ben spoke calmly. "Which patient? Where are they?"

"Bay 4, said Dylan. His wide eyes met Ben's. "I… I couldn't stay there, Ben." His voice was little more than a whisper. "I couldn't."

"Of course you couldn't," said Ben gently. "Why don't you go to the staff room and have a break?"

"They need another doctor," said Dylan.

"I'll find one," said Ben. "I'll be with you as soon as I've done that. Okay?"

Dylan nodded but didn't move.

"Go on. Go to the staff room," said Ben softly, and watched as Dylan went. He was walking oddly, but Ben put that down to all the tension and fear inside him. Ben silently cursed himself for not being there, but he hadn't had much choice. Lily had asked for him and you didn't say no to Lily.

He found Cal apparently doing nothing and told him he was needed in Resus. He could tell Cal was confused. "Why do I have to take over from Dylan?"

"You don't expect Dylan to tell _me_ anything, do you?" said Ben. "Maybe he realised he knew the patient."

Cal looked interested. "Do you mean he slept with her?"

"Dylan definitely doesn't tell me things like that!" said Ben. And he hoped he never would. "But the patient is in Resus so they probably need you quite quickly?"

To his relief, Cal finally went. Ben hurried off to the staff room and found Dylan was waiting for him, alone, his head in his hands.

Ben sat beside him and put his arms tightly around him. "It's okay, Dylan. It's okay. I found Cal. He's dealing with it now."

Dylan lifted his head and looked helplessly at Ben. "But why can't I deal with it?"

"Every doctor has things they can't deal with," said Ben. "And when that happens, you shouldn't try to carry on. You need to find another doctor. So you did the right thing."

"But-" Dylan began, his eyes tortured, but at that moment the door opened and Ben hurriedly let go of him.

"Oh. Sorry," said Ethan. "I'm not… interrupting anything?"

"No, I was just telling Dylan about the pub tonight," said Ben. "You know about it, don't you, Ethan?"

Ethan smiled. "Oh yes: Cal told me. I thought he was joking at first."

Dylan was looking blank. "What about the pub?"

"Max asked Zoe to marry him and she said yes," explained Ben. "We're not supposed to know, but Tess told Robyn so obviously everyone knows now. We're all going to the pub after work to celebrate, but don't tell Max or Zoe."

"I won't be staying long because Lily and I have arranged to study together," said Ethan, though there was something in his voice that Ben suspect he would rather be doing something entirely with a different girl. "But I think everyone who isn't still working is going."

Ben could tell Dylan wasn't in the mood for the pub, but he doubted anyone would be surprised by his absence. Dylan almost never was in the mood for the pub.

"I need to go and pick Dervla up," said Dylan shortly.

"Oh, is she your girlfriend?" said Ethan.

"She's a dog," explained Ben.

Ethan gave him a reproving look. "Lofty, that's not a very nice thing to say about Dylan's girlfriend."

"No, she actually is a dog," said Ben.

Ethan looked very embarrassed. "Oh gosh, yes, of course she is! I remember meeting her now. Unlike most girls, she seemed to think I was quite tasty. But I think they might allow dogs in the pub."

Dylan made no response.

"I don't think Dervla's much of a drinker," said Ben. He looked at Ethan and wished he'd leave so he could talk to Dylan properly.

"I'm going," said Dylan abruptly, getting to his feet.

Ben knew he couldn't stop him. Not with Ethan there. "Tell Dervla I said hi."

He watched Dylan go, then he got out his phone and sent a text, telling Dylan he'd be at the boat as soon as his shift finished.

He was happy for Max and Zoe. Max, especially. Max was his best mate and Ben knew how much he loved Zoe.

But it wasn't as though Max and Zoe had invited everyone to the pub and even if they had, Ben wasn't sure he'd have gone.

Not today. Not when Dylan needed him more.


	9. Chapter 9

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for all your reviews! I couldn't keep Cal and Ethan out of the story for long. I really hope you'll still be happy after this chapter. It was quite a difficult one.

 **Tato Potato** , I'm glad I put them together too - though it is quite weird not knowing if it will have a happy ending or not. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ben knocked on the door of the houseboat. "It's me, Dylan. It's Lofty. I mean Ben. Can I come in?"

He was half-afraid Dylan might refuse to let him in, but he opened the door almost at once. "You really are stupid sometimes, Ben, aren't you? How could I ever not let you in?"

He hugged Ben and therefore couldn't see his face as Ben thought to himself that Dylan probably wouldn't have let him in if he knew what he'd told Rita.

Rita had taken it very well. She hadn't expressed surprise, annoyance, disgust, or any other kind of negative emotion. She'd really seemed to understand. There was just one problem. "I won't punish you for what you've done over the past couple of days, Lofty," Rita had said. "I understand why you did it and I can see you were just trying to look out for Dylan. But I'm afraid I can't let you do anything like that again. It's good to support your friends, but the reason why you're in this hospital – why we're all in this hospital – is to support the patients, and they have to come frst. The things you've done could have prevented the patients from receiving the care they needed. I'll let you off this time because I know your intentions were good, but if there's any more behaviour like this, Lofty… well, I'll have to do _my_ job and deal with it. I am sorry, but that's how it's got to be."

Ben hadn't really felt able to argue with that, but now as he sat holding Dylan in his arms with Dervla's head on Dylan's knee, he wished he could have done more.

"How was the pub?" asked Dylan, breaking a long silence between them.

"I didn't go," said Ben.

"But Max is your best friend," said Dylan.

"And Zoe is one of your best friends," said Ben.

Dylan didn't seem to have an answer to that. He ran his fingers through Ben's curls absent-mindedly as Ben moved his thumb over the back of Dylan's hand. "What am I going to do, Ben?"

"What do you want to do?" said Ben.

"Seriously?" said Dylan. "I'd like to go away somewhere. Me, you and Dervla. Get right away from everything."

Ben kissed him. "We could. If that's what you wanted."

Dylan looked impatient. "Ben, you're dreaming. Of course we couldn't. We can't just walk out of our jobs."

"But maybe we could arrange something for the future," said Ben. "The near future." His hand left Dylan's briefly to pat Dervla's head. "The three of us. Maybe if you had something to focus on… knowing that soon you'll be away from here…"

"How is that going to solve the problem?" said Dylan. "It will get me away from he situation for a while, but I will have to go back."

"You could go to a different hospital," said Ben. "I'd miss you, but if it helped…"

Dylan shook his head sadly. "Even if I go to another hospital, they'll all have a Resus and I'd have to work there. And despite everything I _want_ to work there." His head dropped onto Ben's shoulder.

Ben stroked his hair. "There might be smaller hospitals that only have three bays."

"But you won't be there," said Dylan.

Ben kissed his forehead. "Maybe there's a hospital somewhere that needs a new consultant and a new staff nurse that calls its Resus bays A, B, C and D."

Dylan lifted his head. "No, that's no good, Ben. You're missing the point. It's not just about Resus and that number. I have so many problems, Ben. So many things I have to do. And I don't know how to stop."

"You can always talk to me about it," said Ben. "I know it probably won't help, but just so you know, you always can. We can stay up talking till fo- till five in the morning if it helps."

"Talking won't do anything," said Dylan. "Talking won't make it go away."

Ben kissed him gently. "But it might not always be this bad. It hasn't always been this bad, has it? Don't get freaked out or anything, but I've been watching you pretty closely ever since you joined the hospital and I've noticed you had rituals, but there's been nothing like this, has there? Nothing that's… bothered you like this?"

"No," admitted Dylan. "Not since I came here. Just small things."

Ben held him more tightly. "So maybe the big things will go away? Or at least get easier. Has there been anything like this before that's gone away?"

"Some things."

"So maybe this will too?" said Ben. He stroked Dylan's hair again.

"Maybe," said Dylan. He paused. "Just… as long as…."

Ben held his face against Dylan's. "As long as what, Dylan?"

He felt Dylan relax slightly against him. "As long as _you_ don't go away."

* * *

Dylan was chopping sausages. Dervla was hanging round, looking hopeful. As usual, she was irresistible. He held out a sausage for her. "Sit for me. Come on. Sit."

Ben got off his chair and sat on the floor beside Dervla.

"No, Ben: I didn't mean you!" said Dylan.

Ben smiled up at him.

Dylan tried to fight it, but he couldn't. He smiled back at Ben.

"I made Dr Keogh smile," said Ben happily. "I made Dr Keogh do all sorts of things last night."

"Now, remember what I told you, Ben," said Dylan. "This is a secret. You can't tell anyone. Not even Robyn."

Ben got up and kissed him. "I promised, didn't I?"

"I know you did," said Dylan quickly. He knew it was stupid. He was fairly sure that no-one in the hospital would mind if they knew about him and Ben. They'd probably be a bit surprised that Ben would go for someone like Dylan (and Dylan couldn't blame him for that: the fact surprised him every time he thought about it) and they would definitely be surprised to see Dylan in any kind of relationship, but Dylan was sure that eventually, they would be happy for them, and perhaps one day it would be Dylan and Ben who were being thrown a surprise engagement party at the pub.

But what if they told everyone and something happened? Something bad?

"It's okay," said Ben. "Nothing's going to happen. I'm not going to tell anyone."

"I know it's stupid," said Dylan.

"it's important to you," said Ben. "So it's important to me too."

Dylan hugged him for a moment, then he tried to remember what he was doing before Ben had distracted him by being so gorgeous. "Would you like a sausage?"

Ben laughed. "Yes, please! But not the kind you eat. Though we could put them in our-"

"Ben! Not in front of Dervla," said Dylan quickly. He tried to disguise his sudden breathlessness, but Ben was trained to spot things like that. His face lit up and he put his arms around Dylan.

"We'll distract Dervla with some of your sausages," said Ben. "And then we could… find something to do while she's busy."

Dylan pushed him away and turned back to his sausages, but the sight of them did nothing to calm him down. "Staff Nurse Chiltern, behave yourself," he said, his voice not nearly as stern as he'd intended it to be.

"Or what?" said Ben innocently.

There was something very innocent about Ben even when he was saying or doing completely uninnocent things.

"Or we'll both be very late for work and it will be your fault," said Dylan.


	10. Chapter 10

_The next few chapters are based on the episode about Dylan's father. I wasn't sure how much of the episode to include as this is really about Dylan and Ben and I don't like to use too much of someone else's writing. I don't know at what point it becomes plagiarism. I hope I've included enough for the story to make sense. (Sorry if I've transcribed anything incorrectly. I can't hear very well and it's not always possible to lip-read.)_

 _Sorry for not updating last night. I did try and I thought I'd done it, but I was half-asleep by then and forgot the actual uploading part. But I posted Chapter 9 earlier today so I hope you saw that one too._

* * *

Dylan bent over the patient. "Hello, I'm Dr Ke…" His eyes met the patient's. Dylan froze, then stepped away, letting the trolley pass him. He tried to keep his voice calm as he addressed the other doctor. "Cal, switch patients. I can't treat this man."

"Any particular reason?" said Cal.

"He's my father," said Dylan.

* * *

Robyn rushed up to Ben in a state of excitement. "Lofty, you'll never guess who's been booked in as a patient."

"All five members of One Direction?" said Ben.

"Lofty! There are four members of One Direction now." Robyn looked scandalised. "Don't you listen to a word I tell you? They called their album Four and now there are _four_ of them."

Ben found himself glancing round to make sure Dylan hadn't heard, but there was no sign of him. "Who's the patient, Robyn?" he asked, more sharply than he'd intended.

"Dylan's dad!" said Robyn. "Can you believe it?"

Ben tried to look as though he wasn't that bothered, but he was. There was only one thing he knew about Dylan's dad: that Dylan didn't talk about him.

Robyn gave him a surprised look. "Are you okay, Lofty?"

"Of course I am," said Ben. "I've just remembered there was something I was supposed to do before my break and I haven't done it." Pre-empting Robyn's question, he added: "And I also can't remember what it is. So I think I'd better…"

"Sure," said Robyn. She didn't say anything else till Ben was almost through the doors. "It is weird, though, isn't it? About Dylan's dad?"

"Very weird," Ben called over his shoulder, and hurried away.

* * *

It wasn't easy finding Dylan. Partly because he could be anywhere and partly because Ben really didn't want anyone important to see him and give him a job to do.

He finally found Dylan sitting outside, holding his lucky charm. Ben checked there was no-one watching and sat beside him. Giving him a hug seemed a bit of a risk, but he thought he could get away with putting his hand on Dylan's knee. "You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" said Dylan. He lowered his voice. "Remove your hand, please."

Ben reluctantly did as he was told. "Robyn told me your dad was here. I was worried about you."

"No need to worry about me," said Dylan.

"I thought you might be upset," said Ben.

"No," said Dylan shortly.

Ben didn't give up. "Dylan, I don't know how things are between you and your dad."

"There is nothing between me and my dad, Ben."

"That must make it really difficult," said Ben. "You know. Having him here. Having everyone assume you're going to be worried about him."

"I really don't care what the others assume," said Dylan. "And I don't care about him. He doesn't deserve it."

Ben wanted to ask more, but he sensed Dylan wasn't ready to talk. Perhaps he never would be.

Dylan sighed. "But I do wish… he wasn't here."

"That makes sense," said Ben. "There are people I wouldn't want here too."

Dylan said nothing, but Ben sensed that just some of the tension had been released from his body. Dylan lifted his hand and gently touched Ben's. "I have to get back to work. But I'm glad you're here, Ben."

"I'll always be here," said Ben.

* * *

Dylan didn't want to walk past Resus. He knew that if he did, he would meet Brian being wheeled out. Whether he walked past now or waited five minutes, it would happen. He just knew it.

But he knew he didn't have any choice. He would just have to deal with it.

 _He's just another patient,_ he told himself. _He isn't important. It's been twenty years. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks because he doesn't know me. He's practically a stranger._

Dylan took a step towards Resus. Almost immediately, his father's trolley appeared. He noticed Dylan at once.

"Here he is: my son, the doctor. He's got his mother's looks and his father's brains."

Dylan spoke grimly to Cal. "Has he been breathalysed yet?"

"Well, the police cleared it," said Cal awkwardly.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Dilly," said the man on the trolley.

Dylan pretended not to notice the shared smile between Cal and Robyn.

"Do you still hear from Harvey and Sheila?" The question was casual, almost normal, but almost immediately followed up with: "Harvey Garvie and Sheila Wheeler, his imaginary friends. He played with them until he was a teenager."

Dylan couldn't look at Cal. But he knew he was smiling. It was just the kind of thing that would make him smile.

"He used to play chess with Harvey," said Brian, "though I won't tell you what he got up to with Sheila."

Dylan took no comfort from the fact that Robyn was clearly trying to choke back her laughter.

He might have known this would happen. And Robyn was Ben's best friend so he would hear all about it…

* * *

Ben was practising keepy-uppies in the staff room. Some would say it wasn't the best place for practising keepy-uppies, but in Ben's experience, practising them in the corridors or cubicles resulted in a far worse punishment.

It also gave him the excuse not to look at Robyn, who'd just told him about Dylan's imaginary friends. She'd seemed very amused and it was all Ben could do not to shout at her that there was nothing wrong with imaginary friends and he'd had several.

But he couldn't do that. If he did, Robyn would guess Ben liked Dylan and then she might guess about their relationship and he couldn't let her guess because he'd promised Dylan.

"Are you busy, Lofty?" said Tess.

"Oh, I was just…" Ben let the ball roll away. "Do you want a tea or something?"

But Tess didn't seem to have heard. She turned and spoke to Charlie's son, Louis. Ben had no idea why Charlie had brought him to work, but he wasn't going to ask.

There seemed to be a lot of fathers and sons around at the moment.

"It's hard to imagine Dylan having a dad, isn't it?" said Ben as he started to make tea for himself and Robyn. "I always just thought he'd be the kind of person who was sent from another planet to study us."

He was quite pleased with that speech. If Robyn had been starting to wonder if perhaps Ben liked Dylan a lot more than she'd thought she did, that would put her right off the scent.

Emboldened, he continued with an impersonation of Dylan. "This human emotion baffles me."

"Lofty…" said Tess warningly.

Ben turned around and discovered two things.

Firstly, Robyn was no longer there.

Secondly, and far more importantly, Dylan… was.

"Dylan," said Ben.

Others might think Dylan's face was emotionless, but Ben knew him and he knew he was hurt.

All he wanted was to take Dylan in his arms and tell him he didn't mean it.

But he couldn't.

Ben grabbed Dylan's mug from the table and went quickly towards him. "Dylan, do you want a coffee or something?" It wasn't really much of a peace offering, but it was all he could do with Tess and Louis there.

Pain shone in Dylan's eyes.

Ben could hardly bear it. He reached out towards Dylan, hardly knowing what he was doing, and the mug slipped from his fingers and broke. "Oh, your mug…" he said stupidly.

"Oh, _Lofty_ ," said Tess.

"Sorry," said Ben as he started to gather the broken pieces. He brushed a hand against Dylan's shoe, but Dylan stepped backwards, turning his face away. Then he turned and left the room, nearly bumping into Charlie.

"So," said Charlie. "I heard your father was in. How is he?"

Dylan walked past him without a word.

Ben picked up the pieces of Dylan's mug and put it on the table. Perhaps he could glue it back together or something. It might not look weird for him to glue together something he'd actually broken.

He looked over his shoulder to see if Dylan was still in sight, but he'd completely disappeared.


	11. Chapter 11

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your reviews. I'm glad you like Ben dirty and rude! And that you still want to hug him despite his bad timing. How about we each hug one of them? I'm really happy you're still enjoying it.

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , I'm praying Dylan is all right too! He is definitely one of my favourite characters and I would be devastated if he died. Thank you so much for your lovely review. I really hope you'll continue to enjoy it.

 **xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , I'm sorry to hear you've stopped reading the story, but thank you for letting me know I hadn't marked the story as a romance. I did intend to. I have also added a warning. I understand that some storylines aren't for everyone.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you like the chapter and the pairing. I hope you're okay - I miss your stories.

* * *

It was an effort, returning to work after that.

How could Ben have…

No. He wasn't going to think about Ben. Not now and not ever.

It didn't seem possible that the man who'd held Dylan in his arms last night could have said something like that. He wondered if their relationship was a joke: something Ben and Robyn had cooked up between them. Or perhaps Ben really had found him attractive, but he'd now had his fun and was moving on.

Dylan just had to do the same.

Besides, there was someone else he needed to think of. The poor little baby who was going to have Brian for a father. He had to do his best for the baby and for Hazel too.

Dylan tried to persuade her to have a chest x-ray to rule out injury, but Hazel refused, despite Dylan's insistence that the risk to the baby would be minimal. He was concerned, but it was her choice. He let it go for now and silently hoped for something he knew to be impossible: that his father might turn out to be a decent human being.

This hope was quick to be dashed.

"How far gone is she?" Brian asked Rita.

"I'm guessing… about fifteen weeks?"

"So, we've, er, still got options," said Brian.

It shouldn't have shocked Dylan to hear him say that, but it did.

* * *

Ben was watching Dylan.

He was standing reading some notes, apparently engrossed in them, but Ben doubted he could even see the page. How could he when his dad had arrived in the hospital and his boyfriend had made fun of him?

Ben wished he could explain it, but he couldn't. Not now. Not in the hospital. It would have to wait until they were alone – but Ben wouldn't blame Dylan if he never let him be alone with him again.

 _But there must be something I can say_ , thought Ben. _Something to let him know I still love him_.

His first attempt was thwarted when Robyn appeared and said something about his dad – Ben just wanted to grab hold of her and drag her away from Dylan and tell her never to mention Brian's name again.

But he couldn't do that either.

When Robyn left, Ben took his chance. "Dylan, about what happened in the staff room."

Dylan lifted his head just slightly.

"I didn't mean it," said Ben. He looked desperately into Dylan's eyes. "I don't know why I did it actually."

Dylan wasn't looking at him, but Ben could see the pain in his eyes.

"I was just showing off," said Ben sadly. That wasn't quite it, of course, but it was the nearest he could get when they were surrounded by people.

Dylan nodded his head jerkily, his eyes dropping. "Of course," he said in a small voice.

"I sometimes think, in another life, we might have been mates," said Ben – the other life being the life they shared on the houseboat. They were more than mates, of course, but again, he could only go so close to the truth.

Dylan slowly lifted his eyes again, but something seemed to attract his attention. "I think Tess is looking for you."

"Lofty!" said Tess, and Ben turned to face her. "Your patient's waiting."

Ben hurried off at once. As soon as he was out of Tess' line of sight, he looked at Dylan.

Dylan was looking at him too. He still looked sad.

* * *

"Dylan?" said Zoe. "Are you okay?"

Dylan became aware he was leaning his forehead against the wall. It probably did look odd. But then again, everything Dylan did looked odd. Ben didn't even think he was human.

"Dylan?"

"I'm fine," said Dylan shortly.

Zoe's voice was sympathetic. "Is this about your dad?"

"Why does everything have to be about him?" said Dylan.

"It would be understandable," said Zoe. She stopped and looked down.

Dylan realised he was playing with his lucky charm again. Holding it in the desperate hope that everything would be all right again.

"Look. Dylan. I wasn't sure if I should mention this or not," said Zoe.

"Then maybe you shouldn't," said Dylan.

"I was talking to Rita," said Zoe. "She's really concerned about you. She says you have… rituals. And a problem with the number four."

Dylan froze.

In that moment, he almost did feel like an alien. He certainly didn't feel part of the real world. He must have dropped into some sort of parallel universe where Ben didn't care about him. It was the only explanation.

But he knew it wasn't. This was real. Ben had not only made fun of Dylan and broken his mug – had that really been an accident? Dylan couldn't be sure of anything, not now – he'd told Rita. He'd told Rita what he'd promised he'd never tell anyone.

"Dylan?" Zoe was touching his arm. "Come on. Talk to me."

"I need to get back to my patient," said Dylan.

He wouldn't have blamed Ben for thinking his voice sounded odd that time.

* * *

"How are you feeling, Hazel?" said Dylan.

"Look, is there any chance I could speak with Brian?"

"I wouldn't have thought so. He's just been discharged," said Dylan.

Hazel stared at him in shock. "What… you mean he's gone? He just left?"

"He does that," said Dylan.

"What the hell happened between you two anyway?"

Dylan switched back into doctor mode. "Do you need any more pain relief?"

"Yes!" said Hazel. "And I want to know what happened between you and Brian."

Dylan kept his eyes on her file.

"Like it or not, Dylan, I'm a bit more than just a patient. I'm carrying your half-brother or sister here."

Dylan took a breath, but said nothing. Rita looked over at him. She said nothing, but she didn't have to.

Dylan came to a decision. "Um… I was… er… about eleven years old?" he said reluctantly. He tried to distance himself from the words; tried to pretend he was talking about the results of a scan or something, rather than something he hadn't spoken about to anyone. Not even Ben. And he never would tell Ben, thought Dylan with a pang. "I… um… came home and found Brian in bed with a woman other than my mother. He laughed it off: he said it wouldn't happen again: of course it did. Some years later, um, when he finally packed his bags and left, my mother, um…" He stopped. "…didn't take it very well. I went into foster care for about nine months. Nice people. Wasn't the best time of my life. Suffice it to say, you are better off without him."

Hazel had no more questions.

Dylan left the room as soon as he could, but then he heard Rita calling after him. "Dylan, wait."

He hoped she wasn't going to offer any kind of sympathy. He couldn't bear that from anyone, but especially not from Rita. Not after what she'd done.

"You've prescribed her tramadol," said Rita. "She needs paracetamol, given she's pregnant."

Dylan took the prescription from her and made the necessary amendment. He did it calmly, but inside, he was frozen in disbelief. He never made mistakes. Not like that.

It wasn't a normal sort of day, of course. No doctor could remain unaffected by a day like this. But Dylan knew he had to work harder to keep it together.

He couldn't let Ben or Brian see him fall apart.


	12. Chapter 12

**SassyRaydorGirl** , I really dislike Dylan's dad too. There were promising signs in his attitude towards Hazel and the baby and the end, but I really can't see it lasting. I'll be proud if my son turns out like Dylan. Thank you for your review!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review - and for introducing me to the pairing. Canon or not, I think they're my favourite Casualty couple. Dylan does need to let go of his fears and insecurities and speak to Ben - but he's not in the best state of mind at the moment.

* * *

"All I'm saying is that maybe you should go home," said Zoe.

"Why would I want to do that?" said Dylan. He was going for exasperation, but it came out more defensive.

"Listen, you're lucky that Rita bailed you out like she did," said Zoe. "If your dad turning up out of the blue is going to affect your judgement, then-"

"It hasn't!" said Dylan. He tried to hide how hurt he was feeling, but he didn't think he'd managed it. Brian, Ben, Rita, Zoe… they'd all hurt him; they'd all taken it in turns to knock him down. "He hasn't."

Zoe seemed frustrated. "Well, clearly it has!"

Dylan walked off without another word.

* * *

"Any change of heart regarding the x-ay?" said Dylan without much hope.

Hazel shook his head with a small smile.

"Okay. Obs?" said Dylan.

"Fine," said Rita.

"Keep me posted, please," Dylan said as he turned to leave, only to see the last person he expected to see.

"I'd like a word with Hazel if that's okay," said Brian.

Dylan was on the point of saying no, but then Hazel spoke. "I thought you'd gone." Her voice sharpened. "What do you want?"

Brian said nothing. He glanced at Dylan. The hint was clear, but Dylan didn't move.

"Oh, whatever it is, you can just say it in front of them," said Hazel.

Brian walked towards Hazel. "Listen, Haze, er, what I said earlier… I was panicked. That's all. Er… I've been thinking things through."

"I don't need your h-help with this kid," said Hazel, and coughed.

"Yeah, course. I know that," said Brian. "But you're going to be a brilliant mum. We… we're good together, aren't we? Me and you, we rub along."

But Dylan was looking at Hazel. She seemed to be struggling for breath. Rita took a step towards her, clearly concerned too.

"Hazel?" said Rita.

Hazel coughed. "I can't… breathe…"

"Dylan, her stats are dropping," said Rita.

Dylan moved past his father and listened to Hazel's chest. "She's not shifting much air. Okay, this could be haemothorax. We could have picked this up on the x-ray. We'll get her to Resus, please."

* * *

"…chest drain kit ready," said Dylan as they entered Resus. He was aware that Ben was helping with the trolley and he didn't know what he'd do if Ben stayed to assist, but he had someone else to think of now.

"Bay 4, please!" said Rita.

"No, no, no, no," said Dylan quickly. "I don't want her in Bay 4." He didn't want anyone in Bay 4, but especially not Hazel and his sibling. "Bay 3's free. Can we move-"

"No, we haven't got time for this," said Rita.

"Can we just move her?" said Dylan. He was panicking now.

"I said we haven't got time," said Rita.

Dylan didn't know what to do. He looked at Ben for help, then he remembered he didn't want Ben's help. He couldn't accept Ben's help.

Ben was standing by the bed now, helping with the patient. Dylan felt the panic beginning to overwhelm him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't treat Hazel in Bay 4 with Ben there. Not after what he'd done.

Dylan jerked his thumb towards the door. "He can go."

There was a silence, then Ben's confused voice. "What?"

"Will you go, please?" said Dylan.

Ben didn't move. He was still there and he was gorgeous and Dylan needed him, but he'd made fun of Dylan and told Rita his secret. He'd said he was inhuman. He could only have betrayed Dylan more if he'd slept with another man… and for all Dylan knew, he had.

"Get out, Ben!" shouted Dylan.

Ben's eyes widened with hurt. Dylan was immediately hit with a burst of self-hatred, but he reminded himself that Ben wasn't really hurt. It was a blow to his pride that Dylan didn't love him anymore. That was all.

Ben left the room. Dylan had hoped it would help, but he felt more cut adrift than ever. He was in Bay 4 and he couldn't let this girl and her baby die. They deserved better than the life they were going to have with Brian, but even that was better than no life at all.

"Do I need to get another doctor in here?" said Rita pointedly.

Dylan shook his head and began to put his gloves on.

"Okay, come on, Dylan, because we need to get a move on," said Rita. "Because I will get someone else in here."

"I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it," said Dylan. The second glove crackled as it settled on his hand. "I'm doing it."

Rita still looked concerned, but she stood aside and Dylan began to treat the patient.

He could hear Hazel crying in fear and pain, but he ignored it. Comforting her was Rita's job. Dylan had to save her life – and her baby's life - and he was going to do it. No matter what.

"A little cough for me, please, Hazel," said Dylan.

Hazel coughed weakly.

"Her stats are still dropping," said Rita.

Something made Dylan look upwards. Up at the four on the wall. Dylan squeezed his eyes tightly shut, but he knew he couldn't let it beat him. He had to keep going.

He looked up at the number again.

He continued with his job.

* * *

Brian was sitting by a vending machine with a teddy bear on his lap. Dylan didn't know quite what to say but felt he should say something. Brian had finally, for once in his life, done the right thing. "Um, I-I-I'm pleased I was able to get through to you."

Brian didn't look at him.

"We're not going to be exchanging Christmas cards, are we, but, um…" Dylan stopped. He waved his arm vaguely in the air. "I'm happy for you."

He turned to leave.

Then he heard a sneering voice. "Didn't work, did it, Dilly?"

Dylan turned back to him.

"You tried to turn Hazel against me, just like you did your mother."

Dylan's mouth opened in a soundless gasp. He had really just tried to ensure Hazel knew what he was like – and he'd only done that after Hazel had insisted – but perhaps to an extent Brian was right.

"You were… fifteen when I left and you're still crying about it," said Brian. He stood up and slowly walked towards Dylan. "You know the reason why I walked out? Well, maybe, if you'd been half… normal, I might have stayed. But you weren't." He looked Dylan up and down, his face disgusted. "You aren't. You're a freak."

Dylan just stared at him.

"A real mummy's boy, eh?" Brian slowly moved past him. "This baby isn't going to be anything like you."

He walked away. Dylan blinked back tears and wished Ben was there to hold him, but then he remembered Ben wouldn't do that because he agreed with Brian. Freak… alien… it was all the same really.

He was aware of Brian shouting out to Hazel, calling her the woman of his dreams. He showed her something: presumably the bear. Dylan tried to remember if his dad had ever given him a present. He didn't think so.

Then he heard Zoe's voice. "Dylan." She tried to say more, but no words came.

Dylan turned towards her, knowing she could see everything he was feeling, but he didn't care. He looked at her for a moment, wanting her help but not knowing how to ask. Then he walked away.


	13. Chapter 13

**Tanith Panic** , I'm really glad the chapter worked. I found it difficult to write (and difficult to watch) as I identify with Dylan a lot. I just want to hug him! Thank you for your review.

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , I don't really understand how a parent can do that either. Dylan is an unusual person, but that doesn't make him bad or wrong. I just want him to be happier! Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I don't know yet whether this story will have a happy ending or not. It might depend on tomorrow's episode - though I might decide to ignore that and just do what I want!

* * *

Rita caught Ben when he was about to leave. "Lofty, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," said Ben quickly.

"Don't give me that," said Rita. "I can see there's something wrong. Is it Dylan?"

The frustration, the emotions, the pain: they all burst out of Ben. "I just don't get it. I don't know what his problem is." In a way, it was true. He had hurt Dylan – he knew he had – but after everything they'd shared, how could Dylan not know how he felt? "I tried to say sorry."

"Listen, Lofty," said Rita. "Dylan's having a bad day. And it's not your fault. Okay?"

 _But it is_ , thought Ben.

It wasn't entirely his fault. It wasn't Ben's fault that Dylan's dad had come back into Dylan's life and caused him even more pain, but Ben knew he'd made it worse. On the day when Dylan had needed support more than ever, Ben had hurt him.

Rita stopped walking and turned Ben to face her. "It's not your fault, Lofty. I know you've been trying to support him and that's great, but he's not your responsibility. He's a grown man. You can't be there for him every minute and you are going to make mistakes sometimes. Because you're human."

"Dylan's human too," said Ben in a shaky voice.

"Of course he is," said Rita. "And that's why he made some mistakes today." She patted Ben's arm. "Try not to worry about it. Go to the pub, then go home and get some sleep. Things really will seem better tomorrow. Dylan's dad will be gone and I'm sure you can start rebuilding your friendship."

 _But I don't want to be just his friend_ , thought Ben as Rita walked away.

* * *

Ben didn't know what he was doing here.

Or rather, he did know. He was here to make one last attempt. To convince Dylan that he loved him and he was sorry for everything he'd done to hurt him.

To hold Dylan in his arms and comfort him.

It was probably a waste of time. Ben didn't think there was anything he could say to make Dylan forgive him. But he loved Dylan and he had to try.

He approached the houseboat cautiously and knocked on the door, but he somehow sensed it was empty. There were no sounds coming from it. He would have expected to hear Dervla, if nothing else.

But Dylan would be here soon. He might have taken Dervla for a walk or something, but eventually he would come back here. Ben sat on the path beside the boat and waited. He knew he could be waiting a while, but he'd have waited a lifetime if he'd thought there was even the tiniest hope.

Then he heard it. The whine of a dog concerned for her master. Ben slowly got to his feet and waited.

Dylan didn't see him at first. He was looking down at his feet. A muscle around his mouth was twitching and he was blinking rapidly, as though trying to fight back tears. Dervla was the first to sense his presence: her head turned towards Ben and she gave a little bark of welcome.

That got Dylan's attention. He lifted his head and his eyes met Ben's. For an instant, his face was filled with such pain that Ben could hardly bear it, but then the emotion faded. He fixed his eyes on a spot above Ben's head and spoke. "Go home."

Ben recoiled from the harshness in his voice. "I wanted to apologise, Dylan. For the things I said. I didn't mean a word of it. I was talking to Robyn about you and I wanted to say something so she didn't guess about us, but she'd left the room and you'd come in and I didn't know."

Dylan looked at him and for a moment, it seemed as though he'd ignore Ben completely. But then he spoke. "You know, I might have accepted your apology," said Dylan. "Possibly. I might just about have believed you were stupid enough not to notice that the person you were talking to had left the room."

"I know it was stupid," said Ben.

Dylan continued as though he hadn't spoken. "But today, Zoe came to speak to me, Ben. She said Rita had told her something about me. About the rituals. The number." His voice rose. "I told you that in confidence, Ben, and the next thing I know, it's all over the ED!"

Ben felt suddenly cold. He reached behind him for the houseboat, needing something to steady himself, but it was further away than he expected and he let his arm fall limply to his side. "I just told Rita, Dylan. That was all – and she promised she wouldn't tell anyone. I had to tell her. She knew I was behind stealing the bed and changing the cubicle sign. She knew everything I'd done and she said she'd suspend me if I didn't tell her what was going on."

"And you told her because your job is so much more important than me!" shouted Dylan.

"Of course it's not," said Ben. His eyes filled with tears. "Of course it's not, Dylan. But if I was suspended, I couldn't be at the ED anymore. I wouldn't be able to-"

"Just get away from my home and get away from me!" said Dylan, his voice cracking.

"Dylan…"

"Just go!"

Dervla jumped and moved closer to Dylan, growling deep in her throat. Ben wanted to try again; wanted to beg Dylan to forgive him, but he knew he wouldn't listen. And why should he? It didn't matter what Ben's reasons were. He'd still betrayed the man he loved. He'd told his secret and ridiculed him.

Half-blinded by tears, Ben edged carefully around Dervla. She'd accepted him when Dylan had loved him, but it was different now he'd hurt Dylan. Ben didn't blame her at all. If he'd heard anyone else speaking about Dylan the way he had, he'd probably have growled too.

And if he'd heard the things Dylan's dad had allegedly said to him, Ben would have done a whole lot more than just growled.

Ben stopped. "Dylan. About your dad."

Dylan's voice was low at first, but then it swelled with anger. "Don't you ever mention him, or anyone else to me ever again!"

He went into the houseboat with Dervla and slammed the door.

* * *

Dylan stood outside the houseboat, his phone in his hand, waiting for Zoe to pick up the phone. He needed to talk to someone. It was too much for him. He'd thought he'd got through it, despite everything, but then had come the final confrontation with his father. And what could be his final confrontation with Ben.

Now he felt lost. Broken.

So he'd decided to talk to Zoe. Tell her everything. Perhaps even tell her about Ben.

But she wasn't answering her phone, and the more Dylan thought about it, the more he felt it had been a stupid idea. Zoe wouldn't understand. How could someone normal like Zoe ever hope to understand a freak like him?

Dylan went back inside. A record was playing. His dinner was sitting untouched on the table.

Or almost untouched. Dervla was eating something.

"What are you doing?" said Dylan in disbelief. He couldn't believe it. After the day he'd had, when everyone had hurt him… His voice rose to a shout. "That's mine, you bad dog! You bad dog!"

Dervla looked up at him reproachfully, but that only infuriated Dylan more.

He pointed through the door. "Go on: get out of my sight!"

Dervla scampered up the stairs. Dylan knew the door was open. He knew she could leave if she wanted to, but he didn't have the energy to stop her. He didn't have the energy to move. He stood there, his eyes closed and waited for her to come back to him, but he knew she wouldn't. He knew she'd gone. And that was his fault too. All he ever did was make people leave.

Dylan sank down on the floor and finally let himself cry.

* * *

In his own room, about a mile away, Ben was crying too.


	14. Chapter 14

**Tanith Panic** , I'm sorry for making you cry! And I'm sorry to Ben and Dylan too, haha. Thank you so much for your lovely review - I really am enjoying writing this story. Though I think I kind of failed at making it a 5-part story!

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , I'm really happy to have changed your view of Ben and Dylan. That's exactly how I felt when I read about them as a couple for the first time - every scene between them took on a new meaning! Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato,** thank you for your review. I would like to get them back together, but Dylan is so stubborn. It might take me a few more chapters to convince him...

* * *

By morning, Dervla had not returned. Dylan found a couple of pictures of her, stuck them to some paper and wrote a note to go with it, explaining when Dervla had gone missing and what to do if anyone found her. He put one up by the houseboat and took another to work and stuck it to a wall near the hospital. He had mixed feelings about taking it to work. He wanted Dervla to be found - and he needed her more than ever after what had happened with Ben and his father - but he didn't want any of his colleagues to know. He thought sympathy might break him apart completely.

"Dylan! Hey, Dylan!"

It was Zoe. Dylan removed the notice about Dervla before she could see it. He didn't even want Zoe to know. She knew too well how much Dervla meant to him.

"Hi," said Zoe. She was smiling as she fell into step beside him. "I tried calling you earlier." Her smile fell away and she gave him a concerned look. "You didn't pick up."

"Yes. I know," said Dylan.

Zoe waited for him to continue. He didn't. "Dylan, come on. Please."

Another voice spoke. "Zoe?"

Oh, great: someone else Dylan didn't want to see. He walked quickly ahead, leaving Zoe to fall into step beside Rita and have a good gossip about him.

"Is he any better?" asked Rita.

"I think he's worse if anything," said Zoe. "All this stuff with his dad…"

Dylan didn't hear what they said next, but he could imagine it.

* * *

Ben was hoping Dylan might have calmed down a bit by now. Yesterday had been very emotional for Dylan and it had probably been stupid of Ben even to try for a reconciliation. After a good night's sleep and a few cuddles with Dervla, perhaps Dylan would be feeling more like his usual self.

He waited until an appropriate cubicle (in other words, any cubicle other than 4) became available and drew the curtain across to imply it was in use. Then he went in search of Dylan, who was looking at something on the computer with Rita.

"That all looks clear, doesn't it?" said Dylan. "Okay, let's admit overnight and I'll speak to the orthos in the morning."

Rita started to close the program.

"No: you close the file, _then_ you close the program," said Dylan.

"Well, it doesn't matter," said Rita. "It does it anyway."

"No!" Dylan said impatiently. "Come on. Just close the file, then close the program. That's the way it should be done. That's the right order."

Ben approached hesitantly. "Dylan, any chance you could take a look at Cubicle 3 for me?"

"No," said Dylan.

Robyn stared at Dylan in shock. "That's a bit harsh!"

"Robyn, leave it," said Rita firmly.

Ben sighed. "Dr Keogh, I know you're upset with me, but you can't keep-"

"I'm not upset with you," said Dylan. The slight quiver in his voice seemed to suggest otherwise, but his next words were calmer. "You're simply incompetent."

"No, he's not!" burst out Robyn. "You can't say that!"

"Robyn, it's fine," said Ben, and started to walk away. It wasn't fine. His heart was breaking apart. But it wasn't really Dylan's fault and Ben didn't want Robyn giving him a hard time.

He heard Dylan's voice again. "I don't want any air. I don't want to work with him. Okay?"

Ben turned back to look at him. He didn't know what he could do. He didn't want to give up, but it seemed so hopeless.

* * *

"Lofty, I really think you should make a complaint," said Robyn.

Ben wished she'd just leave it. He appreciated her support, but it was so much more complicated than she realised. A complaint wasn't an option.

Neither, unfortunately, was telling Robyn to shut up and leave him alone, but he felt frighteningly close to doing that. He didn't want to do it, but the emotion inside him was building and he knew that sooner or later, it would burst out of him. When it did, he didn't want Robyn to be in the firing line.

"I don't want any fuss," Ben said shortly without looking at her.

"Yes, there's no need for that," said Rita.

A look of confusion crossed Jacob's face. "Who's made a complaint?"

"Nobody," said Rita, in a tone of voice that clearly said the subject was closed. "Everyone is fine."

"Well-" began Robyn.

"Leave it," said Rita warningly.

"I haven't said anything," Robyn said with a roll of her eyes in Rita's direction.

When Rita had gone, Jacob turned to Robyn. "You are going to tell me what happened, right?"

"Obviously!" said Robyn. "So Dylan - Dr Keogh - went off on one at Lofty, telling him he was incompetent."

"Robyn, shut up," said Ben quietly.

"You're joking, right?" said Jacob.

Robyn seemed about to speak again.

"Shut up!" said Ben.

Jacob was looking concerned. "Tell me exactly what happened."

"Right. Come on," Robyn said to Jacob.

"Robyn-" Ben started to go after them, but then he stopped.

There was nothing he could say. The only way he could explain Dylan's behaviour was by telling the truth. He couldn't tell Robyn because she'd tell everyone and he couldn't tell Jacob because he was far too capable of taking the law into his own hands.

All he could do was let them gossip and just hope they didn't try confronting Dylan. The last thing Dylan needed was to suffer any more pain.

* * *

Dylan was unhappy, though not surprised, when Connie called him to her office. Zoe was there too, sitting on a filing cabinet. Dylan wasn't sure if he wanted her there or not. It would be good to have a friend there – but if Zoe had said anything to Connie about him, that just proved she wasn't his friend at all.

Connie was a lot more understanding than she could have been, but that didn't make it any easier. "It's a high-pressured environment: what we do is relentless and it can take its toll on us. Even the best of us."

Dylan looked at Zoe, but she avoided his eye, her chin propped up on her hand.

"Well, the help is there if you need it," said Connie gently. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Dylan turned sharply to Connie. "What you're _saying_ or what you're insinuating?"

Zoe spoke tiredly. "Nobody's insinuating anything."

"Zoe came to me because she was concerned. About you." Connie's voice had hardened, but when she next spoke, she was all sweetness and light again, though Dylan wasn't fooled. "And I… think, maybe, it's best if you take a little break. I've checked: you've plenty of holiday."

"Why don't you just take the boat away for a couple of weeks?" suggested Zoe, a note almost of desperation in her voice. "I mean… that would be nice."

"Sorry," Dylan said to Connie. "Are you asking me or are you telling me?"

"I'm not – I'm not _telling_ you anything, Dylan," said Connie. Her voice rose. "But your attitude towards Staff Nurse Chiltern-"

"A man who's incompetent!" said Dylan angrily. "Who has no business in the department."

"Right." Connie really was back to her usual tough self now. "If you have a problem with his work, go and see Sister Freeman."

"If you have a problem with _my_ work, by all means, you call me on it!" Dylan almost shouted the words. "But to bring me in here; to humiliate me-"

Zoe came forward, her hand outstretched. Dylan knew she was trying to calm him down, but he ignored her.

"-based on conjecture and hearsay-"

"No!" said Connie. "The safety of my patients _and_ my staff is paramount. It overrides everything."

Dylan looked at Zoe. She was silent.

"I'm going to ask you this once," said Connie. "Are you a hundred percent sure you are fit and healthy to carry out your duties?"

"Yes," said Dylan firmly.

Connie still looked angry, but she seemed to accept his words. "Fine." She settled back in her chair and looked meaningfully at Dylan. "I'll give you today to prove it to me."


	15. Chapter 15

**SassyRaydorGirl** , I can't blame you for that. I have a massive crush on Connie! Admittedly, I have a crush on most of the cast, but Connie... Thank you for your review - they make me very happy. But I'm afraid I might hurt Ben more before the story ends.

 **Tanith Panic** , a miracle or a crisis? I might have one or two ideas about that... I'm afraid most of the words come from the episodes, but not all of them, so I'm glad mine don't stick out like a sore thumb. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , I think it would take more than a few harsh words from Dylan to stop Ben from caring - luckily for Dylan. Thank you for your review and I hope you enjoy the next chapter too.

* * *

All Ben wanted was to get on with his work and then get home, but he knew as soon as Jacob appeared that it wouldn't be easy.

"Right. Robyn's told me what happened," said Jacob. "But what we don't understand is why. Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

"No," Ben said dismally.

Jacob was looking confused. "But there must be more to this. You and Dylan have been working together for… how long?"

"About six months," said Ben. He could have told Jacob the exact date when he'd first laid eyes on Dylan… but of course he didn't.

"And there's never been a problem between you before?"

"No," said Ben. There had been few problems, of course. Ben was inclined to clumsiness and Dylan was inclined to impatience, so there had been a few sharp words from Dylan along the way. But Dylan was like that with everyone.

"Right: we need to sort this out," said Jacob. "We'll go and find him."

He walked off determinedly and Ben hurried after him. "No, Jacob. Please don't. I just want to forget about it."

Jacob stopped walking and turned to face him. "Look, I know Dylan isn't the friendliest guy in the hospital and I'm okay with that. Everyone's different. But he's gone too far and we've got to deal with that."

"I really think it would be better if-" began Ben, but he stopped as Dylan came into view.

Jacob walked up to him purposefully. "Dylan. Quick word, mate."

"Does it concern a patient?" said Dylan.

"No," said Jacob.

"No," said Dylan, and walked off.

Jacob began to splutter incoherently, but Rita walked up to them and spoke firmly.

"Just don't get involved."

Jacob looked at Ben. "Rest of the shift, you're with me." He smiled at Ben.

Ben had to admit that if anyone was going to take his mind off Dylan, it was Jacob.

As long as he stopped talking about Dylan, that was.

* * *

It was Bay 4 again, but there was nothing Dylan could do. There was no other bay available. Not that Rita would have agreed to move the patient even if he told her to.

He diagnosed the patient's problem swiftly and asked Rita to phone the vascular surgeons, but she reported it could take them a while because the vascular surgeons were tied up with a triple-A.

Dylan felt his stress levels rising. It wasn't the surgeons' fault, but while they were waiting, the patient was lying in Bay 4 in a critical condition. "Do you think that's acceptable?" he said as Zoe entered Resus.

"It's not really my call," said Rita. "I mean: he's stable…"

"If you think that's acceptable-" began Dylan.

"Dylan," said Zoe.

Dylan saw Connie standing outside Resus, exchanging glances with Zoe. He turned to one of the junior nurses and made the effort to speak calmly. "Could we let the vascular surgeons know that I have a very sick patient, please. Now. Now."

* * *

"Pulse check," said Dylan.

Charlie made the check and his eyes met Dylan's. "Nothing."

"Okay, let's shock," said Dylan to Zoe. "Charge at 150, please."

"Okay: charging…" said Zoe. "Oxygen away… everyone clear?"

"All clear," said Charlie.

"Shocking," said Zoe. The patient jumped in response.

Dylan checked for a pulse. "Still in VT."

"Do you want to tube him?" said Charlie.

"No," decided Dylan, and began CPR.

As he did the compressions, his eyes kept straying to the number 4. He told himself that everything had been all right the last couple of times he'd been here. There was no reason to assume this patient would die.

But he was afraid. He was so afraid.

* * *

"Another milligram of adrenaline," said Dylan.

He'd agreed to Charlie's suggestion of tubing the patient and was once more giving compressions. Connie was watching him through the window, but he tried to ignore her, just as he tried to ignore the number.

"He's in refractive VT. He's been through six cycles and had amiodarone," said Zoe. "Any other ideas?"

"Yeah, we keep trying. Please," said Dylan. "I should have picked up on this earlier."

Zoe's voice was gentle. "No-one could have known, Dylan. That's the adrenaline in."

"Okay: let's shock again," said Dylan.

He heard Zoe go over to the defibrillator. "Right. Charging." The machine hummed. "Oxygen away. Everyone clear?"

"Clear," said Dylan as he stopped compressions.

"Shocking," said Zoe.

Charlie put his hand to the patient's neck. "Got a pulse," he said.

Dylan stared; he felt his mouth opening. He lifted his hands in the air and tried to speak, but no words came.

They'd done it. They'd actually done it.

Through the window, Connie was smiling.

* * *

Ben was sitting alone in the staff room nursing a bloody nose when Max and Big Mac walked in.

"Dylan finally snapped?" said Max.

"Patient," said Ben. He sighed. "I messed up."

"Well, I've got a bit of good news," said Big Mac.

Ben looked up without much hope.

Big Mac pointed towards Max. "I'm going to be his best man!"

"Yeah?" said Ben. He tried to keep his voice expressionless. Nothing had actually been said, but he had kind of assumed…

Max looked a bit sad as he sipped his drink.

"Yeah!" said Big Mac, evidently delighted.

Ben got up sadly and held out his hand for Big Mac to shake. "Nice one, mate. Congratulations."

* * *

A patient had been brought in who had arrested on the way to the hospital, but Dylan couldn't focus. His mind kept going back to the previous patient. Something had gone wrong and he needed to know what it was. The fact that the patient had been saved wasn't relevant. Dylan had to know.

"I went through the checklist and checked everything twice," he said to Rita. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"Well, nobody's suggesting you did," said Rita.

"This shouldn't be happening then, should it?" burst out Dylan.

"No, but we have another patient to think about now," said Rita. "I'll begin compressions, shall I?"

Dylan shook his head quickly. She was right. He did need to focus on the new patient, but they had to do it properly. "No, we haven't been through the checklist."

"We haven't got time," said Rita.

"Look, I'm in charge and we need to go through the checklist!"

Rita positioned her hands to begin compressions, but Dylan moved them away.

"No, Rita. I need to do this. The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can help the patient. But we need to know what we're dealing with. We need to know we're giving the right help. That's the right way to do it."

Rita looked over at Zoe for help, but she was busy with another patient.

In that moment, Dylan began to go through his checklist. Once it was done, he stepped back. "Begin compressions, please."

Rita spared him the briefest look of concern before returning her attention to the patient.


	16. Chapter 16

**SassyRaydorGirl** , I'm just really happy you're reading it! I have mixed feelings about Jacob. I didn't like him at all in the first few episodes. He is now growing on me, but I can't forget the bad first impression! I hope he doesn't annoy you too much in this story. Thank you for your review!

 **Tanith Panic** , don't worry, maybe I'm planning a happy ending! I'm glad you still have sympathy for Dylan despite what he's doing to Ben. I suppose from Dylan's point of view, Ben broke his heart first. I'm afraid this chapter might be a bad sad too... thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. A lot of the last chapters came directly from the episodes and it's really surprised me how little I've had to add to Ben's scenes to show how sad he is. It almost makes me wonder if the writers are planning something... or maybe I just daydream too much. I have been told that before.

* * *

Dylan watched as Rita performed compressions. The patient had been down for more than twenty minutes, with Rita and Dylan taking it in turns to attempt to restart her heart, but he didn't want to give up yet. They couldn't. They'd stuck with it at his request last time and that had been the right decision.

He was aware of the glances passing between Rita and Tess; the shakes of the head; the not terribly subtle attempts to get Zoe's attention, but he ignored all that. He silently counted as Rita worked. They would shock the patient again in about thirty seconds and then Dylan would take over from Rita if necessary.

Zoe came around the screen. "Tess?"

Tess nodded.

"Dylan, it's over," said Zoe gently. "Are you all in agreement!"

"Yes!" said Rita emphatically.

"Okay," said Zoe.

Dylan didn't argue. If Zoe said it was over, she was probably right. He walked slowly and purposefully over to the patient who had caused the trouble. "She's dead," he said heavily. "The mother. The mother is dead."

"No… what about…" said the patient's wife unsteadily.

Dylan wasn't sure what had happened to the rest of the family.

"They've been admitted," said Zoe.

Dylan was aware of the patient and his wife speaking: the wife angry; the husband despairing, but he wasn't listening. Something had gone wrong again, only it was worse this time because the patient had died. He needed to work out what had gone wrong. He _had_ to know what it was.

The wife ran out of the room. The husband tried to follow, but was impeded by the spike that was stuck in his leg. He pulled it out and screamed in pain as blood spurted from the wound.

Dylan couldn't move. All he could do was stare.

"Dylan!" said Zoe, as she and Rita rushed over to the patient. Tess ran to help as well and Rita began giving instructions.

Dylan slowly lowered his head and looked at the pool of blood on the floor. His poster of Dervla was lying in it. He needed that. He had to find her so he had to stick that poster up so someone would see it and find Dervla.

She'd been all he had left and now she was gone.

Dylan dropped to his knees.

"Dylan!" shouted Zoe as she and Rita struggled to contain the bleed. "Get up!"

Blood covered Dylan's hand as he tried to rescue his poster. He couldn't turn it over because than Rita or Zoe might see what it was, but it looked from the back as though some of the words would be obscured by the blood. He looked down at it and panic filled his mind. The blood shouldn't be there. It was stopping people from finding Dervla. He was sure that shouldn't be a problem: he ought to be able to clear the blood off, but he couldn't remember what to do.

"Dylan!" That was Zoe again.

Shouting at him. When all he was trying to do…

"Get up!" said Zoe.

Dylan realised he couldn't get the blood off now. He would take it home with him and maybe he would know what to do then. He stayed kneeling as he carefully folded the paper into four.

No! Not four. Four was wrong. He folded it several more times.

" _Dylan!_ " said Zoe, sounding horrified now.

Dylan put the poster in his pocket. His gloves were covered in blood. He looked at them for a moment, then wiped them on his shirt.

He heard another voice. Connie's. "Someone get him out of here _now_."

Dylan got to his feet. His neck felt itchy. He knew his fingers were covered in blood, so he rubbed it with the back of his glove. He stood for a moment, then remembered Connie wanted him to leave. So he would leave. He would go home.

He couldn't stay here.

* * *

Dylan stood, his eyes closed as he tried to calm himself down. He knew he had to be calm. If he was calm, maybe he could work out what had gone wrong.

"Dylan," said Zoe's voice. "Dylan, you have to talk to me."

But there was only one person Dylan would consider talking to. And he couldn't talk to him.

He couldn't even tell Dervla. Not now he'd scared her away.

For several moments, Dylan didn't move. Then he took off his stethoscope and dropped it onto the table.

He wouldn't be needing it again.

* * *

"Right! Fry-up and a pint!" announced Big Mac.

"Not necessarily in that order," said Max.

It was the last thing Ben wanted. He didn't want to be around people. Not unless the person was Dylan. Two people he definitely didn't want to be around were Max and his best man. Ben didn't know why it upset him so much. Max had a lot of friends and was free to choose whoever he wanted, and the last thing Ben needed was to stand around making speeches about true love and happy-ever-afters when his own had been taken away.

Max looked at Ben. "You in?"

"I've only got an hour left. I think I'm going to head home," said Ben.

"Come on! Sunday morning's the new Friday night," said Max.

Ben went over to the reception desk and had a look at one of the files. He was just leaving when Max called to him.

"Lofty. Come here."

Ben sighed and went to join him.

"About earlier," said Max. "With Big Mac being my best man and all that."

"What about it?" said Ben.

Max slung his arm around Ben's shoulders. "You didn't really think all that was serious, did you?"

Ben shrugged. He just wanted his shift to end so he could go home. He knew that talking to Max technically wouldn't extend it, but it seemed that way.

"Mate, there's only one guy I'd ever want to be my best man," said Max. "And that's you."

Ben stared at Max in disbelief. Slowly, he began to smile. He should have known really. It had been the shift from hell, but it was very unusual to get through an entire shift without one good thing happening. And here it was.

"So what do you say?" said Max.

Ben held out his hand for Max to shake. "I say yes."

"Brilliant!" said Max.

"But I'm warning you," said Ben. "You might have cause to regret it when you read my best man's speech."

Max laughed and they had one of those moments where they would have hugged if they were drunk and might have hugged if they were at home but definitely wouldn't now because they were sober and the whole ED was watching. Then Max saw Zoe and went over to her. Ben smiled to himself.

At least Max was happy. For now, that would have to be enough for both of them.

Cal and Big Mac came over to talk to him and Ben was really beginning to believe that his terrible shift would have a good end, but then Big Mac's expression changed slightly as he looked at something behind Ben. Cal noticed as well: he glanced to his left and stopped talking mid-word.

Ben turned round to look and saw Dylan walking towards him.

At one time, the sight had made him happy. Of late, the sight had made him heartbroken.

Ben didn't know what he felt now.

Dylan was walking stiffly, his eyes staring fixedly ahead of him, his bag in his hand and his coat over his arm. His shirt was covered in blood.

As Dylan walked through the ED, everyone fell silent as they all turned to stare.

Ben hated it. He wanted to scream at them all to stop staring and then run after Dylan, but he couldn't. Firstly because he knew Dylan wouldn't want that. Secondly because he was so frozen in shock, Ben couldn't do anything but stare either.

Dylan opened the door and went out, letting it swing shut behind him.

There was another moment of stillness.

Then everyone went back to what they were doing.


	17. Chapter 17

**SassyRaydorGirl** , well, if I have to kill someone, I'd definitely want it to be in a good way! Thank you so much for your review and your continued support.

 **Tanith Panic** , I tried to make the story as accurate as I could, though of course I had to add in several things the writers forgot, like the scenes between Dylan and Ben! Max's best man storyline was brilliant - I wish he had asked Connie to be his best man! Thank you for your review and I'm so happy you're enjoying it.

* * *

Dylan crossed the car park. He was looking at the wall and he knew there was something wrong with it. It shouldn't look like that. Something was missing.

Slowly, he worked out what it was. He'd put the poster about Dervla up there, but then he'd taken it down again so it wasn't there.

Dylan dropped his bag and coat and pulled the bloodstained poster out of his pocket. It didn't look too bad. He'd managed to clean most of it off. He didn't actually remember doing it, but he must have done it. No-one else would have done it so it must have been him.

He stuck the poster to the wall. Then he picked up his bag and coat and walked away.

* * *

Ben walked towards the door as nonchalantly as he could. He would only draw attention to himself if he ran, but he was a real effort to slow himself down. He needed to get to Dylan, but he also needed to make sure no-one knew what he was doing.

He opened the door and went outside. Dylan was standing over by the wall, sticking something to it. It looked like a piece of A4 paper with a picture on it. When that was done, Dylan picked up his coat and bag and left. The piece of paper fluttered to the floor.

Ben knew he should go after Dylan, but he knew that piece of paper must be important in some way. Something had obviously happened to Dylan: something bad, but he'd still stopped to stick that piece of paper to the wall.

He'd stick it back up for Dylan and then he'd go after him.

Ben picked up the paper and smoothed it out. it was covered in blood, which was probably why it hadn't stuck. When he turned the paper over, his heart turned over too.

MISSING DOG.

 _Dervla..._

He'd lost Dervla. He'd been ridiculed by his boyfriend; humiliated by his father; something had gone badly wrong for him at work; and the one person (Dervla was practically a person) who could have given him comfort had disappeared.

Ben was blinking back tears as he tried to stick the poster up on the wall, but it wouldn't stay. He decided all he could do was keep the poster for now and come back with blu-tack later.

No, he wouldn't do that. He'd make Dylan a new poster that wasn't covered in blood. He had some pictures of Dervla on his phone so he could use one of those. He'd type what Dylan had written up on the computer (Dylan's handwriting was very typical of a doctor: almost illegible) and use different colours and then everyone who walked past would just have to look at it.

And then someone would find Dervla and call Dylan and at least then one thing would be all right.

"Lofty!" called a voice. It was Rita. "What are you doing? Get back in here."

Ben hesitated. He didn't want to go back into the ED. He had his own personal emergency to deal with right now.

He looked for Dylan, but he was out of sight.

Ben carefully folded the poster and put it in his pocket.

"Lofty!" Rita was running across the car park towards him. "What's wrong with you?" She arrived behind him, perhaps just slightly breathless, but still perfectly able to raise her voice. "Don't tell me you've flipped out too!"

Ben decided it was a very good thing he wasn't naturally violent or he might even have slapped Rita.

How could someone with medical training say something like that?

"Lofty," said Rita. "I don't know what's wrong, but you're going to come back inside with me now and either you're going to tell me what's wrong or you're going to get on with your work. Which is it to be?"

Ben cast another longing glance in the direction Dylan had taken. "I'm going to get on with my work."

* * *

It was only an hour, but it felt more like a double shift. Ben kept looking for an opportunity to sneak away, but Rita was keeping a close eye on him and he was afraid he'd knock something over if he decided to run for it.

Finally, he had his chance. Rita had been called into Resus, but Ben wasn't needed. He waited until the doors had swung shut behind her and walked casually towards the exit. It seemed like ten times the distance it usually was and at every moment, he expected to hear Rita's voice echoing through the department as she demanded his immediate return.

But finally, he was there. Ben gave an inward sigh of relief and opened the door.

A hand descended on his shoulder. "Lofty, where are you going?"

Ben turned to see Jacob. "Nowhere."

"No, tell me. Where are you going?" said Jacob.

Ben hesitated. He knew Jacob was far from homophobic. He also knew Jacob didn't mind bending the rules occasionally.

But he also knew that Dylan hadn't wanted anyone to know.

"I'm… I'm going to see a man about a dog," said Ben truthfully.

Jacob laughed and patted Ben on the back. "A romantic assignation, you mean?"

"Someone I'd really like to have a romantic assignation with," said Ben.

"Then I hope it works out for you," said Jacob warmly. "This is a very special person, yes?"

"The most special person I've ever known," said Ben.

Jacob smiled. "Then she – or he – is very lucky."

Ben wondered for a panicked moment if he'd guessed, but Jacob's eyes were twinkling and he knew that if Jacob had guessed, he'd keep his secret. Ben looked up at him hopefully. "So can I go, Jacob? Please? It's not very long till the end of my shift."

"Lofty, I would really like to say yes. I do know what it's like to be in love. I know there's only one place in the world you want to be right now. I get that. I do. And I know this person probably needs you." Jacob's voice was sympathetic. "But there's also somewhere else you need to be, and that's here." He waved a hand towards the waiting room. "Look at all those people. They're in pain; they're sick; they're scared - they need you, Lofty. If you go now, they won't be seen as quickly as they need to be seen and that means more pain; more sickness; more anxiety for them. Do you see what I'm saying?"

Ben sighed. "Yeah. You're right, Jacob. I'm just worried about… about this special person."

"Then take this." Jacob reached into his pocket. "This is enough for the taxi fare, yes?"

Ben looked at him with rising hope. "That's more than enough, but… are you seriously saying I can go?"

"I haven't finished yet," said Jacob. "Take this, go and finish your shift and there will be a taxi waiting for you when you do to take you wherever you want to go. Go now and you'll owe me £10 tomorrow and you might be in trouble with Rita too. Of course I won't say anything – but she's very observant, that one. She'll know." He patted Ben's shoulder. "Now off you go, finish your shift, and then follow your heart."

"Jacob… I don't know what to say… thank you."

"Just come in tomorrow morning and tell me it's the best ten pounds I ever spent. That's all the thanks I need."


	18. Chapter 18

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I really like Jacob's sympathetic side and enjoyed writing him! At first, I thought it would be romantic for Ben to leave the ED and go after Dylan, but luckily, I thought better of it!

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , the face to face with Dylan is coming right up! I hope you enjoy it. If Jacob was like that all the time, I'd probably like him a lot! Thank you for your review.

* * *

The taxi was waiting outside the hospital as promised when Ben finished his shift. He was a little bit worried as he knew Jacob would have been asked for Ben's destination when he ordered the taxi, but the driver showed no surprise when Ben directed him to Dylan's houseboat. Perhaps Jacob had known exactly where Ben was going and who the 'very special person' was. Or perhaps he'd left the taxi company with no choice but to agree with his demands and conditions. Either was possible with Jacob Masters.

Ben paid the fare and hurried to Dylan's houseboat, his steps quickening still more when he realised the door was open. He hoped Dylan it hadn't been left open all day: to get home and discover he'd been burgled was the last thing Dylan needed.

As Ben went closer, he heard a sound coming from the houseboat. A howling sound. A bit like a dog howling.

Relief poured through Ben's body. Dervla had been found. She was back home with Dylan and although she wasn't very happy – she was probably worried about him – at least something had gone right for Dylan today. Ben hesitated on the threshold, thinking that if Dervla was home, Dylan might have all the support he needed and wanted. It wasn't as though he appreciated Ben's company much at the moment.

The thought gave Ben a pang of sadness. In his worry over Dylan, he'd almost forgotten that their relationship was over. Comforting Dylan and doing everything he could to help was far more important than Ben's broken heart.

But if Dervla was home, he wouldn't need Ben's comfort and perhaps it would be better not to inflict his presence on Dylan. Yet still Ben hesitated. He felt as though there was something wrong with what he was hearing, but he didn't know what.

In the houseboat, Dervla's howling intensified. Foreboding curled around Ben's heart.

Why would Dervla howl like that if she'd just been reunited with Dylan?

She sounded desolate. For Dervla to be that unhappy, something would have to be very badly wrong with Dylan. The foreboding was replaced by terror and Ben knew he had to get onto the boat and help him, but he was too afraid to move at first; too afraid of what he might find.

The best-case-scenario was that Dervla had arrived home to find Dylan absent and was howling for him. If this was what had happened, Ben would have to call the police and mount a search because he knew Dylan wasn't in any state to be wandering around on his own.

The worst-case-scenario made Ben feel so dizzy that spots danced in front of his eyes. Dylan wasn't mentally stable at the moment. Not if his manner of leaving the hospital was anything to go by and he had so many reasons to feel sad. After everything Ben and his dad had said, it would be understandable if he was feeling worthless.

But if Dylan had done anything to harm himself, there might still be time to save him. Ben took a moment or two and tried to change from Dylan's concerned, terrified boyfriend to Staff Nurse Chiltern – not the best nurse, perhaps, but certainly not incompetent. He walked into the houseboat and stopped short at the sight in front of him.

It wasn't Dervla who was howling. There was no sign of her and Ben could only assume she was still missing, but Dylan was curled up in a ball on the floor. His cries of anguish brought tears to Ben's eyes too. He knelt beside Dylan and put his arms around him.

"Dylan, I'm sorry about Dervla. I'm sorry about everything. I know you probably don't want to see me, but I love you and there's nowhere else I want to be."

Dylan froze at the sound of his voice and for a second the howls stopped too. Then they began again: a terrible, searing, almost inhuman sound ( _no, Ben,_ not _inhuman: don't ever think of him as inhuman!_ ) of agony.

Ben wrapped his whole body around Dylan, wanting every part of him to feel safe and comforted and not alone. Dylan's head ended up on his chest and Ben stroked his hair. Tears poured down Ben's cheeks too and his heart seemed to twist inside his chest, but he kept his voice calm and comforting as he told Dylan he loved him and they'd find Dervla and everything would be all right.

After what seemed a long time, Dylan's howls calmed to sobs. Under normal circumstances, that would have been enough to break Ben's heart, but as it was, Ben took it as a sign that Dylan was feeling slightly better and he felt deep relief. Dylan's arms, which had rested limply by his sides, wrapped themselves around Ben and clung to him. Ben kissed the top of Dylan's head.

"I love you," said Ben.

Dylan was crying too hard to answer in words, but his arms tightened momentarily around Ben's waist.

"I don't know what happened today and you don't have to tell me," said Ben through his own tears. "But if you do, I'm here for you and I love you and I'll do anything to help. Even if it's just sitting with you or holding your hand."

"Ben…" Dylan said between gulping sobs.

Ben kissed him again, almost absurdly glad to hear him speak. "Yes. That's right. It's Ben."

"Ben," said Dylan again and hugged Ben's waist. "I…"

"You don't have to talk now," said Ben. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I… I…" Dylan tilted his head backwards. His eyes were red and swollen and tears continued to run down his face. "I… love... you."

"I love you too," said Ben in tones of deep passion and love.

The effort of speaking seemed to exhaust Dylan and he put his face back on Ben's chest and cried some more but almost silently now. Ben stroked his back, his own eyes dry now, and waited patiently until Dylan's tears finally seemed to have stopped. Much as it hurt Ben to see him so unhappy, he'd have waited a lifetime for Dylan. "I'm going to make you a drink, Dylan."

"No," Dylan whispered as he clung to Ben.

"You've had a shock and you're probably a bit dehydrated too," said Ben. "I won't be far away. If you just move a little bit, you'll be right next to me." It might have been easier to move the kettle, but he knew Dylan wouldn't like it if he started moving things out of their proper places.

For a moment or two, Dylan held stubbornly to Ben, but then he let go and nodded.

Ben caught Dylan's tear-ravaged but still beautiful face in his hands and gave him a quick but firm kiss. "I love you, Dylan."

Dylan's voice was hoarse from crying, but every word was clear. "I love you too, Ben."

Somewhere in his mind, Ben was elated they were together again and Dylan still loved him despite everything, but mostly he felt sad and worried for Dylan. He held Dylan's hand as he shuffled along the floor. "That's right, Dylan. Sit there." He gave Dylan a piece of kitchen roll to wipe his face with and started to make the tea.

Dylan still gave the occasional sob and when he did, Ben immediately stopped what he was doing and bent down to give Dylan a hug, but to Ben's relief, he didn't start howling again. Just the memory of the tortured sounds was enough to bring tears to Ben's eyes, though he was careful not to let Dylan see them.

When the tea was made, Ben knelt in front of Dylan, his hands on Dylan's arms. "Shall we go and sit in your bed, Dylan? That might be more comfortable."

Dylan just nodded. Ben guessed he was too drained to speak. He helped Dylan up and supported him as they walked. Ben got Dylan settled on the bed and gave him a hug.

"Shall I help you take your shirt off?" said Ben. "It's a bit dirty."

Dylan nodded again and Ben removed the shirt carefully, but with completely different feelings than those he'd felt every other time he'd undressed Dylan. Ben really liked the way Dylan looked without a top, but right now he wanted to cover him up and keep him warm. He found a clean shirt and helped Dylan on with it.

"There," said Ben, and kissed Dylan. "I'll just get the tea. I won't be long."

Ben fetched the tea from the kitchen, then climbed onto the bed beside Dylan and hugged him. He stroked his hair back from his forehead and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Dylan, you don't have to tell me what happened now. You don't have to tell me at all. But I'm here, okay? I love you and if ever you want to talk about anything – anything at all – I'll always be here."

"I love you," whispered Dylan. "I can't talk… now, but… soon."

Ben kissed him lightly. "I'll be here, Dylan."

He put his arms around Dylan and held him until the tea was ready to drink.


	19. Chapter 19

**Tanith Panic** , aw thank you so much! That's a really lovely thing to say. I hope you continue to enjoy it for as long as I write it.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review - I'm really glad you're enjoying it.

 _If you like Ben/Lofty and Dylan, SissyRaydorGirl has written a brilliant one shot called Lost and Found. I really love it so go and read it! (But please read mine first?)_

* * *

Ben looked down at Dylan, who lay in his arms with his head on Ben's chest. Last time they'd spent the night together, it had been the other way around, but Ben liked that they could take it in turns to be the protective one. He'd hoped that Dylan might tell him what had happened, but Dylan seemed exhausted and Ben didn't want to push him.

As he stroked Dylan's hair, Ben realised he didn't need to know now. Or at all. He didn't feel, as he might have done, that Dylan was hiding something from him. The important thing wasn't what had happened but how it had made Dylan feel, and Ben knew exactly how Dylan was feeling. He'd felt it in every sob.

"I can't go back," said Dylan suddenly, his voice breaking a long but not unhappy silence between them.

Ben tried to hide his shock. It was clear to him that Dylan needed to take some time off, but he wasn't expecting Dylan to feel the same way.

"I can't," said Dylan, his voice tight.

Ben kissed his head. "It's okay. You don't have to."

"Yes, I do have to!" said Dylan. His voice was loud, but it wasn't the voice of the forceful Dr Keogh. Dylan's voice was shaking. "It's my job, Ben. It's how I earn money. Feed myself. Feed… Dervla…"

Ben held him more tightly as Dylan's voice trembled even more. "We'll find her."

"Yes, maybe, but I have to go to work," said Dylan. "I have to."

"I'm not saying you should give up your job. I'm just saying you should take a few days off," said Ben.

"I can't take days off. I never take days off. I don't want to take days off." Dylan's whole body was shaking now. "But I can't go back. I can't go back. I _can't_."

"Then don't go back," said Ben. It wasn't a long-term solution, but that wasn't what they needed now. They just had to think about getting Dylan through the next few days. Or even just getting him through tonight was enough to think about.

"Right. I won't go back," said Dylan. He said the words again, but he seemed to be saying them to himself this time. "I won't go back." Dylan fell silent and closed his eyes.

Ben thought he might have fallen asleep and decided that was probably a good thing. He went back to stroking Dylan's hair and realised that despite all his concern for Dylan, he did feel happy. He was in the right place.

"Ben, what am I going to do?" said Dylan, lifting his head to look at Ben.

Ben stroked his face. "Maybe you shouldn't think about that now. Do you think you might be able to sleep?"

"How am I meant to sleep?" said Dylan, his words almost a groan.

Ben tried to think about what had helped him in the past. "Sleeping tablets?"

"Never touch them."

"Okay, how about putting a CD on?"

"I don't have a CD player."

"A record, then." Ben remembered how much he'd smiled when he'd realised Dylan had a record player. Not in amusement but in complete adoration.

Dylan shook his head. "Too far away. But I don't just mean that."

Ben wished he knew what Dylan did mean. "I'm sorry, Dylan. I know I'm stupid."

"Don't say that!" said Dylan. He moved in the bed so his eyes were level with Ben's. "Don't ever say that. I know I'm the one who put the idea into your head that you're stupid-"

"No, I've always thought that," said Ben with a smile. "Ask Robyn."

He knew Dylan wouldn't ask Robyn, but his words seemed to reassure Dylan. "Well, you're not. Sometimes I think you're the cleverest person in the whole hospital."

Ben kissed him. If he needed proof that Dylan loved him, that was it.

"So tell me what to do?" said Dylan almost pleadingly. "How do I get over this? The checklists? The number? The other things I've always done?"

Ben kissed him again, very gently. "I think you should sleep now, Dylan. You know a lot of those sleep clichés are true. Sometimes things do seem better in the morning."

"This won't," said Dylan. "It didn't every other morning."

"But is it better on the mornings after you got a good night's sleep or the mornings after you lay awake worrying all night?"

Dylan looked at him thoughtfully. "No. You're definitely not stupid. But sometimes I just can't sleep. Especially now… now Dervla isn't here."

"She'll come back," said Ben. "She loves you. But until then, you won't be alone because I'm here."

* * *

Dylan awoke with the feeling that something was wrong. He was in Ben's arms which could never be wrong and it wasn't four o'clock as it often was when he woke in the middle of the night, but there was something. Definitely something.

He hadn't checked everything was safe on the boat. He did that every night before he went to bed and it wasn't a bad thing like checklists because you needed to keep your home safe. Especially when Ben was in it. If he didn't check, something bad could happen to Ben.

Or was that just his fears again? Telling him something bad would happen when logic told him there was no connection?

But logic was often wrong. Dylan had seen that. And it was natural to worry that something would happen to the person you loved.

Ben's arms were around Dylan. One across his shoulders; one around his waist. His grip had relaxed slightly in sleep but not loosened. Dylan didn't want to wake him, even though he found Ben irresistible when he first woke up.

But they weren't safe. Ben wasn't safe. Dylan had to keep Ben safe.

He carefully unwound Ben's arm from around his waist and sat up slowly, Despite his terror, he liked the feeling of Ben's arm sliding down his back before coming to rest on the pillow. He got out of bed, tucked the bedclothes around Ben and looked down at him for a moment. He looked so lovely. His curls were more tousled than ever and he looked so innocent with that sweet smile on his face.

Dylan had to keep him safe.

He left the bedroom and moved around the houseboat. Ben had left a couple of things in the wrong place: not by much but it could make all the difference. The door was closed which was good because Dylan had had a vague feeling that he'd left it open. He looked around again, checking that absolutely everything was right, and prepared to return to Ben.

Then he remembered.

The memories came crashing back into his head. Resus. The patients. The looks that Connie, Zoe, Rita and Tess had given him.

And then the blood. Spurting. Covering him. Covering his picture of Dervla.

Where was it? Where had he put it?

Dylan checked the boat again, but not in the methodical manner he usually employed. He had to find it. He didn't remember where it was. He looked and looked but couldn't find it.

The panic that filled him was absolute. He realised he was on the floor but didn't remember sitting down.

"Dylan?"

Dylan turned. "Ben, where is it?"

Ben knelt beside him, hugging him. "Where's what, Dylan?"

"My poster," said Dylan. He realised he was shivering. "Of Dervla."

"It's in my pocket," said Ben. He looked scared, but his voice was gentle. "My trouser pocket. Shall we go and find it?"

Dylan nodded and let Ben help him up. He sat on the bed as Ben found his trousers and pulled out the poster. He put it into Dylan's hands and sat beside him, hugging him.

"There you are, Dylan. Sorry, it's a bit messy, but I thought I'd make you another one. On the computer. All typed up with lots of colours. Would you like that?"

Dylan was about to say no. He didn't want typing and colours. He didn't need all that.

But then he thought about it some more.

"Yes," said Dylan. "Yes, I would."


	20. Chapter 20

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Their flaws actually make me love them more. Perfection is very boring! Dylan still has a bit of healing to go, but he's not on his own.

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , thank you for your review. You didn't review the last chapter, but that's okay. Sorry in advance if I break your heart again!

 **Tato Potato** , they do go well together! I love them together too. I wish they'd get together in the series!Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ben looked down at Dylan as he slept and wondered if he was doing the right thing. He didn't want to leave him. Dylan had been a lot better after Ben's arrival, but he still wasn't himself.

Ben thought again about waking him. It seemed so cruel when Dylan needed to sleep, but it also seemed cruel to let Dylan wake up and find himself alone.

Ben sat down on the bed and thought. Perhaps it would be better to phone in sick. It might be awkward if anyone asked Robyn what was wrong with him, but he could phone Robyn too and explain to her what had happened.

He wouldn't explain quite everything, of course. Not without Dylan's agreement. But he hoped that eventually, he would agree. Ben wanted to tell Robyn and Max about Dylan more than anything. He felt sure they would be happy for him. Max knew you didn't always fall in love with the people you were expected to fall in love with and Robyn would just be happy Ben had found someone special.

But he couldn't call in sick when there was nothing wrong with him. It was all right for Dylan to take the day off: he was in no condition to work. But Ben was perfectly capable of working and that meant he had to.

Dylan muttered something in his sleep and moved fitfully from side to side, shaking off the covers that Ben had placed carefully over his shoulders. Ben put one hand on Dylan's shoulder and used the other to stroke his hair. Almost at once, Dylan relaxed and was still, but as soon as Ben moved his hands, he became agitated again.

Ben didn't know what to do. He'd already decided he couldn't possibly stay with Dylan, but he didn't want to leave him on his own in this state.

Perhaps all he could do was to wake him up. At least then the bad dreams would go away.

Though the nightmares would remain because Dylan was living in a nightmare now.

"Dervla?" mumbled Dylan. Then he started thrashing about. "Ben! Ben!"

"I'm here," said Ben, desperately hoping the sound of his voice might penetrate Dylan's dream, but he carried on calling for Ben, his voice frightened.

Ben caught Dylan's shoulders and shook him gently. "Dylan, it's okay. It's just a nightmare. I'm here and you're okay."

Dylan screamed Ben's name so loudly, he couldn't help flinching away, but the sound seemed to wake Dylan. He lay with his eyes open but terrified, breathing hard. "Ben?"

"I'm here," said Ben. He kissed Dylan's trembling lips. "It's okay, Dylan. It's okay."

"I thought…" said Dylan. "You and Dervla…"

The expression on his face caught at Ben's heart. "It's just a dream, Dylan. I'm here and we'll find Dervla soon." He lay beside Dylan and hugged him, feeling tremors running through the doctor's body. Ben murmured soothingly as every nurse could (though not every nurse punctuated their words with kisses), but inside he was feeling far from calm.

Dylan screwed his eyes tightly shut and hid his face in Ben's shoulder. Ben stroked his hair and realised with relief that the tremors were becoming less frequent; less violent.

"There were four of them," mumbled Dylan.

Ben had no idea what he was referring to, but he knew the number was probably the most important thing. "But they've gone now, Dylan. It was just a dream."

After a couple more breaths, Dylan moved away from Ben. "It seemed real," he said defensively.

"I know," said Ben. "I'm always having dreams that seem real. There's this recurring dream I have when I go into Resus and I realise I haven't got any clothes on."

"I've had that dream too." Dylan seemed a bit calmer now. His breathing began to slow.

"About me being naked in Resus or you?" said Ben, hoping for a smle.

"Both," said Dylan. "But only one was a nightmare." A faint smile passed across his face and he closed his eyes.

"Dylan, wait: don't go to sleep yet," said Ben.

Dylan dragged his eyes open and looked up at Ben. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. But I've got to go to work," said Ben apologetically. "Will you be okay?"

Dylan looked annoyed, then frightened. But then he nodded. "Go. I don't want you to get sacked too."

"You're not going to be sacked!" said Ben.

"I will if I don't go back."

Ben kissed him, ignoring the worry in the back of his mind. It was far too early to begin to worry. Dylan had had a bad day yesterday: he couldn't expect instant recovery, but that didn't mean recovery was impossible. Neither was Dervla's safe return. "It's much too early for you – or Mrs Beauchamp – to decide anything like that. Just focus on getting better."

"I'm not ill!" said Dylan.

"No, I know," said Ben. "I just mean focus on recovering from yesterday. Anyone who had an day like that would need time to recover. I bet you anything even Mrs Beauchamp would need a day off."

The corner of Dylan's mouth twitched slightly.

"That's better," said Ben. He kissed Dylan and sat up. "Now I'd better go. But I'll see you after work."

"I love you," said Dylan softly.

"I love you too," said Ben. He gave Dylan another kiss. "I'll see you later."

He kissed Dylan again and they said a reluctant goodbye.

* * *

Ben walked slowly into the ED and tried to convince himself he'd done the right thing. Dylan hadn't seemed too upset once he'd woken up, but Ben could tell he wasn't himself. He'd seemed soft; fragile; completely unlike Dylan. Ben couldn't help worrying about what might happen if Dylan was left alone, with no-one to comfort him and try to lift his spirits.

"Lofty!" He looked up to see Jacob approaching. His smile was wide, but he dropped his voice almost to a whisper as he spoke to Ben. "So how was it? Did you see the man about the dog?"

"Yes, I did," said Ben, and smiled a little bit despite his worry. His time with Dylan had worried and frightened him, but it had also made him very happy because he was back with Dylan and Dylan loved him.

Though he'd swap Dylan's love for Dylan's happiness in a second if he could.

"Ah, good: you're smiling!" said Jacob happily. "You're also wearing yesterday's clothes. That tells me the romantic assignation was a success."

Ben nodded. "It was very successful. I'm still a bit worried about him… I mean them…"

"No: say 'him'," said Jacob. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. I won't mention it to anyone if you don't want me to, but I don't think there's one person in this ED who wouldn't understand. It's all good news as far as I'm concerned: one fewer rival for Mrs Beauchamp!" He winked at Ben. "I'm glad he's got you, this man with a dog. I think he needs you."

Ben searched Jacob's face anxiously, but he saw nothing but friendliness and understanding. "You won't say anything to him, will you?"

"And land you in hot water with him?" said Jacob. "Of course I won't."


	21. Chapter 21

**Tanith Panic** , Ben is a sweetheart to everyone in the series so I knew he'd be even sweeter towards someone he loves, especially when they're suffering. I'm glad you like him like this! Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , I think Jacob probably will keep their secret, but you never know! If he thinks that they'd both be happier if everyone knew, he might take matters into his own hands! Thank you for your review.

* * *

The day seemed so long. Dylan kept looking at the clock, but all that did was confirm how little time had passed. When Ben had left, the slight feelings of positivity had begun to fade away. He did have Ben and Ben seemed to love him and that meant he was the luckiest man in the world.

But he didn't feel lucky. He felt lost and alone and he didn't know what he was going to do. He had Ben but no Dervla. He had a job but he didn't know how he was ever going to go back to it. Connie had left him a message telling him to take a couple of days and think about things, but he knew a couple of days wouldn't be enough.

He didn't remember everything that had happened. A lot of the day was just a blur. He had odd memories of Connie's face. Her lips moved as though she was speaking, but he couldn't hear the words. He remembered Zoe too and felt sure she had shouted at him, but he didn't know why.

Then he saw the blood. All over the floor and all over Dylan. He had a feeling it came from an artery, but he couldn't remember anything about the patient. All he could see was the blood.

Dylan pulled the bedclothes over his head and lay shivering. He wanted Ben. He wanted Dervla.

But he was alone.

* * *

When his shift finally ended, Ben almost ran to Dylan's houseboat. He thought about getting another taxi, but he felt the need wasn't as urgent now Dylan knew he wasn't alone.

Besides, if Dylan didn't go back to work, they were going to need every penny Ben could save. Not that they'd actually discussed sharing their money or living together, but Ben hoped they would because that was all he wanted: to be with Dylan. To wake up beside him every day. To share his home and his life. To be Dylan's, completely.

He knocked on the door of the houseboat. "Dylan, it's me. Ben."

There was no response. The back of Ben's neck prickled. It was possible, of course, that Dylan simply hadn't heard him. He couldn't even be sure Dylan was there: he might have gone out shopping or to look for Dervla. There was no reason to worry… yet.

Ben knocked on the door again, thinking that he and Dylan would have to work out their own special knock so Dylan would always know it was him. "DYLAN? IT'S BEN."

There was another long silence, then finally Ben discerned movement. He watched as Dylan moved slowly towards the door. "Ben."

He looked tired. His hair was in a mess as though he'd been running his hands through it – or possibly just got out of bed. Ben stepped onto the boat, shut the door behind him and put his arms tightly around Dylan. "It's okay. I'm here now."

Dylan was trembling and his breaths were shallow, but he seemed to be relaxing into Ben's arms. Ben stroked his back a couple of times and then they sat down, their arms around each other.

"How are you?" said Ben.

"I… I'm glad you're here," said Dylan.

Ben could tell there was something wrong, but he hoped Dylan would talk to him when he was ready. "I'm glad too. I missed you." He gave Dylan a kiss. "I've got you something."

A spark of interest showed in Dylan's tired eyes.

"They're in here," said Ben, picking up the bag he'd dropped carelessly on the floor in order to embrace Dylan. He opened the bag and pulled out one of the posters he'd printed off when no-one was looking.

At the top of the page were the words MISSING DOG in blue. He'd done it in red at first, but he didn't want to remind Dylan of the blood that had got on the first poster, so he'd changed the colour. Underneath that was an adorable picture of Dervla which Ben had taken on his phone. She was looking up at the camera in a way that told Ben that Dylan and not himself had been the one taking the picture.

Under the picture, Ben had typed up everything Dylan had written. Each poster was printed on strong paper and then laminated to give it extra durability.

"It's lovely," said Dylan. His finger gently traced Ben's picture of Dervla. "Thank you, Ben."

"That's all right," said Ben, and kissed him. "I'm glad you like it. I thought we could go out later and put them up."

He felt Dylan tense. He turned to Ben with a look of fear in his eyes. "Go out?"

"We don't have to go anywhere near the hospital if you don't want to," said Ben. "I can do that on the way to work tomorrow."

Still, Dylan sat frozen beside Ben. "I don't think I want to go out."

Ben felt a stab of foreboding. "We could go tomorrow. Or I could go on my own, but I don't want to leave you."

Dylan clutched at his hand. "Ben, don't make me go out."

"I don't think I could make you do anything!" said Ben with the hint of a smile. He stroked Dylan's hand with his thumb and held him closer. His voice was gentle as he asked: "Why don't you want to go out, Dylan?"

"I… I…" Dylan stopped. "I don't… I can't… I don't want anyone to see me."

"You mean someone from the ED?" said Ben.

"Yes. No. Anyone." Dylan's voice trembled. "I'm scared, Ben."

Ben continued to stroke his hand. "That's understandable, Dylan. You had a really horrible experience. A lot of horrible experiences. But the thing is with experiences like that, Dylan, is that hiding away doesn't make them easier. I know you're scared and I want to protect you and say you can stay here for as long as you need to, but I know that won't help. You need to face the world, Dylan. Not hide from it."

He was expecting anger. Instead, Dylan put his hands over his face. "I can't, Ben. I can't go out there."

"You don't have to go out there today," said Ben after thinking quickly. "But I'd really like you to come and stand in the doorway for a minute. Just look around at what's outside. Feel the air on your face. I'll be with you the whole time. I won't leave you."

"Just… stand there?" said Dylan.

"Just stand there," said Ben.

Dylan got slowly to his feet. Ben stood two and the two of them walked over to the door. Ben unlocked the door and placed his hand on Dylan's back, urging him forward. "There, Dylan. That's right. Just stand there."

He could feel Dylan shaking, his breath coming in little gasps that tore at Ben's heart. He didn't want to make Dylan suffer, but if they waited until Dylan felt ready for this, they could be waiting forever.

Dylan slowly lifted his head and faced the outside world. He was still shaking, but there was no sign of fear on his face as he almost glared around him. Ben's concern was replaced by admiration. Dylan was afraid, but he was brave. Ben could only wish he could say the same about himself.

Some minutes passed before Dylan whispered to Ben that he wanted to go back inside.

Ben smiled, shut the door and kissed him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I like a good sad story too! I'd never really written one before fanfiction. Not that I'm saying the ending to this story will definitely be sad. More misery, isolation and kindness to come!

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm happy you find it sweet how much Ben cares for Dylan - Ben has always seemed like a very sweet character to me and Dylan needs someone to care about him!

* * *

Ben sat beside Dylan on the bed and took both his hands. "Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?"

Dylan wondered how to answer that. He hadn't felt okay for a long time, at least not when he wasn't in Ben's arms, and he knew he wasn't okay now. But he nodded. He knew he could manage without Ben, just as he was (temporarily) managing without Dervla.

It had been another difficult night for Dylan. First sleeplessness, then bad dreams, where he was forced to stand and watch, unable to move, as Ben and Dervla were made to suffer. Ben had woken him from the bad dreams and held him in his arms, murmuring words of comfort and using his own pyjama top to wipe the sweat from Dylan's face. Dylan had never really known what it was to rely on another person and it bothered him that he was relying on Ben so completely. Ben was younger than Dylan, and Dylan wanted to look after him. To protect him. But Ben didn't need him and he needed Ben.

"You can always phone me if you need me," said Ben. "I'll come as quickly as I can."

Dylan shook his head. "I don't want you to get sacked too."

Ben kissed him. "You won't get sacked, Dylan."

"I will if I don't go back," said Dylan with certainty. "And I can't go back. So I will get sacked." He sounded as though he didn't care. He'd always been good at that. But it never fooled Ben.

"You don't have to think about that now," said Ben.

Dylan's frustration overflowed. "What else am I going to think about?"

Ben let go of one of his hands and put his arm around him. "You could always think about me. It's only fair because I'll be thinking about you!"

Despite himself, Dylan managed a smile.

"I know it won't solve everything," said Ben. "I know it's going to take time. But I'm going to be here for the whole time. If you want me."

"Oh, what do _you_ think?" said Dylan and hugged him tightly. "Of course I want you. You make me feel… like I'm not unloveable."

"Of course you're not unloveable," said Ben. "I love you very much."

A note of wistfulness crept into Dylan's voice. "And perhaps… perhaps not a complete freak?

Ben's free hand clenched into a fist. "Seriously, if that… I don't think I know a word rude enough to describe him, but if he comes near you again… of course you're not a freak, Dylan. There is one freak in your family, but it's not you."

Dylan closed his eyes and turned to bury his head in Ben's shoulder. He breathed in his scent until he felt calmer. It was strange: Ben's scent usually didn't make him feel calm at all. "He's not my family, Ben. Dervla is my family. And maybe…" He lifted his head and looked hopefully at Ben, but didn't quite dare to say the words. "And maybe I'll never see her again," he said instead.

There was a flash of emotion in Ben's eyes. It could have been disappointment. But it was impossible to be sure because it was replaced almost immediately by determination. "We'll find Dervla, Dylan. We will." He kissed Dylan and then gazed at him sadly. "I wish I didn't have to leave you."

"Fine," said Dylan. "Stay here. Get sacked. See if I care."

Ben laughed. "Well, _I_ do care, so I think I will go to work this time."

Dylan's gaze was intense. "Don't be late back."

Ben smiled and kissed Dylan again. It might be difficult if he was required to help with an emergency at the end of his shift, but he'd just have to hope that wouldn't happen. "I won't be late. I love you, Dylan."

* * *

Ben didn't know how he managed to get through the day. His thoughts strayed constantly to Dylan and there were a few sharp words, first from Rita and then from Lily, but Jacob did his best to keep him focused without once giving anyone else the impression that he knew what was wrong with Ben.

Perhaps the hardest moment was when Ben and Max went outside and found Zoe leaving a phone message for Dylan, saying she was worried and asking him to phone her back or at least send a text to let her know how he was. Ben couldn't mistake the genuine concern in her voice: she actually sounded close to tears.

Max walked over and put his arm around Zoe. "You okay?"

Zoe rested her head on his shoulder for a moment. "The thing is: I don't even know if he's alive or dead."

Ben longed to reassure her, but his loyalty, of course, was with Dylan.

"Why not go over and see him later?" said Max.

"I'm sure Dylan would see that as an intrusion," said Zoe. "I mean, I'm the closest friend he's got, but I don't think he'd want me to see him when he's struggling."

"He should answer his phone then, shouldn't he?" said Max.

Zoe gave a weak smile.

"Maybe he'll phone later," said Ben without thinking. Both Zoe and Max gave him a surprised look. "Sorry. You're right. It's none of my business."

"No, it's okay," said Zoe. "We were talking about it right in front of you. Sorry, Lofty. I know Dylan isn't exactly your favourite person at the moment."

Ben laughed shakily. "Oh, there are loads of people who are worse than Dylan. I don't let him upset me. He doesn't really mean anything."

"Yeah, I'd probably get more freaked out if Dylan said something nice to me!" said Max.

"Max, Dylan is the father of the bride as far as our wedding is concerned. Show some respect!" said Zoe, only half-jokingly. "What if he withdraws permission for you to marry me?"

"Then we'll elope!"

Ben started wondering who would give him away if he and Dylan got married. Max would obviously be his best man. So perhaps Robyn could give him away? Then Zoe could give Dylan away? Or maybe they wouldn't need someone to give them away. Maybe they'd just need a best man each. Ben didn't care too much as long as they got married.

It was a nice dream. But it was never likely to be more.


	23. Chapter 23

**Tanith Panic,** I suppose it is a bit like Romeo and Juliet - just needs a death scene! I'm glad their love for each other is coming across. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I hope Lofty's dream comes true too - possibly in this story!

* * *

Dylan spent most of the day sitting and staring into the distance. When he was with Ben, he'd almost felt positive about everything.

Alone, there seemed nothing but darkness and blood.

He'd never thought very much of himself, but he knew he wasn't a bad doctor. He doubted he was anyone's favourite doctor (apart from Ben's), but he did a good job. He also knew that Dervla loved him and that was really all he needed.

But then something had happened. The checking and counting, which he'd always done but which had always been fairly well under control, had taken over his life. He thought his time as acting clinical lead had started it. The pressure had increased, so naturally, he had to be even better. He was responsible not only for his own errors but everyone else's too. He'd been constantly living on the edge, wanting to stay in control of everything but finding it impossible. It was partly that his staff had refused to be controlled, but the patients had seemed to get worse as well. When something went wrong, it was up to him to sort it out, which might have been all right if the problems had been purely medical, but suddenly he was expected to deal with interpersonal conflict and make management decisions.

Luckily, he hadn't been in the job for long: Connie had returned before everything had spiralled out of control, but although some of Dylan's reason for control was no longer there, the feelings connected with it remained as strong as ever.

Then along had come that patient with his dubious methods of healing people and his warnings about the number four. Dylan had been inclined to dismiss it at first, but it had preyed upon his mind, nagging at his consciousness and he'd been unable to help but notice how big a part the number was playing in his life and that it was all negative. But he couldn't control it: it was a force outside of himself and all he could do was avoid it. Except that had proved impossible too. Every negative experience was proof that four was a bad number; the very few positive experiences were luck and nothing more and made disaster even more certain next time.

When someone knocked on the door, he jumped violently, but then he looked at the clock and realised it must be Ben. Moments later, he heard the shouted words: "Dylan, it's Ben!" and began to relax for the first time since Ben had left. He opened the door and was enveloped in a warm hug: the kind of hug Dylan never thought he'd receive.

Ben drew back and scanned Dylan's face. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay now you're here," said Dylan, with more honesty than he'd intended. "How are you?"

Ben kissed him. "Okay now I'm with you. But I do need to tell you something before you kiss me again and make me forget everything."

Dylan's anxiety levels rose. "What?"

"You know Zoe keeps trying to phone you?"

Dylan glared at him. "Do we have to do this now?"

"I'm just going to say what I need to say, then it's up to you," said Ben.

"Oh, all right," said Dylan irritably, but his annoyance concealed fear. Zoe was his friend, but also his colleague and she'd seen what had happened to him.

"She really does seem worried about you," said Ben. "She's talking about coming round here to see you so maybe we should work out where I'm going to hide if she comes." He smiled. "Okay, I've finished talking about Zoe now. Let's talk about Dervla."

Dylan felt hopeful despite himself. "Have you heard anything?"

Ben's smile faded. "No. Sorry. But I put posters up all over the town. Everywhere except the hospital. I'm sure we'll hear something soon."

Dylan and Ben lay in bed, their arms around each other. They'd been silent for some time, and Ben had pinpointed the exact moment when Dylan had stopped enjoying the moment and started to worry. He could guess what Dylan was thinking about too. He wasn't sure how. Dylan had so many things to worry about.

"Are you thinking about Dervla?" asked Ben, when the worry on Dylan's face increased.

Dylan looked surprised. "Yes. I am."

"I thought you were," said Ben. "I did have a look around when I was putting the posters up. I went to that park she likes and looked at all the dogs there, but I didn't see her."

"She could have fallen in the water for all we know," said Dylan.

This thought had occurred to Ben too, but it wasn't a thought he'd share with Dylan. "I don't think that's likely. I've seen her running loose around here and she knows where the danger is. Besides, didn't you say she could swim?"

"I know," said Dylan. "I know it's unlikely. But I'm worried. She does have four legs."

"No, she has two front legs and two back legs," said Ben. "Two and two. That's completely different. Besides, it's the same for almost all dogs – for most animals – and most of them have a full life with nothing too traumatic happening to them. I don't think the number of legs can be dangerous."

Dylan looked unconvinced.

"How would you feel about going out to look for her later?" said Ben.

"No," said Dylan.

"We don't have to go very far," said Ben. "Just to the end of the road and back."

"No!" said Dylan.

Ben stroked his hair. "Dylan, why don't you want to go outside? I can see you don't and that's okay, but I'd like to understand completely."

A tortured look came into Dylan's eyes. "No, Ben. No."

"You know you can tell me anything," said Ben. "Whatever you tell me, I'm going to keep on loving you and supporting you."

Dylan looked away from Ben and fixed his eyes on the wall. Ben guessed he was trying to find the courage to speak. He continued to stroke Dylan's hair and just waited. If Dylan didn't tell him, that was all right. He didn't have to tell Ben everything. But Ben wanted to give him the chance to confide in him.

Several minutes passed, but at last Dylan spoke. "I don't want anyone to see me," he said.


	24. Chapter 24

**Tanith Panic** , of course I'm not going to kill Dervla! You'd never speak to me again! She's my favourite dog too, fictional or otherwise. Thank you for your review - I'm really glad you like what I'm doing with the characters.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for the review - I'm really happy you liked the chapter.

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , thank you for your review and your kind words. I hope you'll continue to enjoy it.

* * *

Ben was shocked, but he kept his voice gentle as he asked: "Why don't you want anyone to see you?"

"Because I'm a freak," said Dylan.

"No, you're not!" Ben held him more tightly. "You're not a freak. You're great. Really great. And I love you."

Dylan shook his head. "Everyone knows I'm a freak. I know I'm not like most people and they know it too. I can tell from the way they look at me. I could feel them all staring at me on the way home."

"They were probably staring at the blood, Dylan," said Ben. "They were probably worried about you."

"A couple of people asked if I was all right," said Dylan. "But I said yes and they went away. If I saw someone covered in blood, I wouldn't go away. So they must have known I was a freak and decided not to help me."

Ben kissed his cheek. "You're not a freak, Dylan, and I'm sure they didn't think you were. They probably just believed you when you said everything was all right. You're very authoritative sometimes. I love it. I think it's hot. But it does give the impression that you've got everything under control. So I think some people would just accept your authority and not interfere."

He felt slightly ashamed as he said the words. He believed that there was a lot of truth in what he was saying, but he didn't doubt that there were many people who found Dylan… unusual. Unfortunately, there were far too many people in the world who believed that to be unusual was wrong. Ben was sure it was difficult being unusual. He knew that Lily and Ethan had problems sometimes too, though he didn't think anyone actually disliked Ethan (except Cal sometimes).

Ben couldn't understand how anyone could dislike Dylan either. He didn't usually show his caring side in the most conventional way, but Ben could see it clearly. Dylan always worked so hard and the reason why he'd invented his checklists was because he wanted to make sure he was doing the best thing for his patients. He didn't want to work in Bay 4 because he didn't want the patient to die. He argued and fought not to work there – because he wanted to save people.

"I know not many people like me," said Dylan. "You do. Zoe does. That's about it. I always tried not to care. To an extent, I succeeded. But now… I'm embarrassed by what I am. I don't want to be like this anymore. But I don't know how to change."

Ben looked into his sad eyes. "You don't need to change, Dylan. You should never change for anyone else anyway, but I don't want you to change. I love you as you are. I always have. You walked into the ED and I'd never seen anyone more gorgeous. I loved your eyes and I was trying so hard not to stare into them. Then you spoke and your voice gave me shivers. You asked me what my name was and I said Lofty. You said that wasn't a name and asked what my real name was. But when you were looking at me like that, it took me a while to remember."

Dylan's face seemed to relax a little. "Would you rather I called you Lofty?"

"No. I love that you insisted on calling me Ben. No-one else ever does."

"But you don't find it odd the way I speak to people?"

"Honestly? I found it hot," said Ben. "You weren't the politest person in the hospital, but I like you like that. You're very genuine. So what if you're a little bit rude sometimes? So are Lily, Mrs Beauchamp, Louise… even Zoe has her moments! I'd probably have my moments too if I wasn't scared of getting into trouble."

Dylan looked like he wasn't sure what to say, but then he gave Ben a tight hug that said everything. "You're being kind. I know I'm a freak. But I believe you don't think I am. I suppose everyone has different ideas of it."

"Of course they do," said Ben. "But you're still not one. I'm sure no-one in the hospital thinks you're a freak. Connie likes you. Zoe likes you. I even heard Lily saying you'd been very helpful and she doesn't say that about everyone."

Dylan's expression lightened slightly. "Did she? Did she really say that?"

Ben nodded. "Yes, she did."

"I do try to help her," said Dylan. "I think she's a good doctor. She's very intelligent."

"She thinks the same about you," said Ben. "You're really good with her. You keep things simple, but you don't treat her like she's stupid. Ethan tries so hard to be comprehensible, you can't understand what he's going on about. With Cal, it's more about showing off than showing Lily. He really tries to help, just like Ethan, but you're the best."

Dylan's kiss showed his gratitude. "Thank you, Ben. I'm glad you think that. I'm glad Lily appreciates what I do."

"That's because you're an amazing doctor and an amazing person," said Ben. "Oh, and an amazing boyfriend too."

They cuddled for a while.

"But I'm still scared," admitted Dylan. "I don't want anyone to see me. I feel like I want to hide myself away."

"That's natural after what you've been through," said Ben. "But tell me something, Dylan. Do you want to hide away in your houseboat forever? Or do you want to go back to the job you love; the job you're brilliant at?"

Dylan was silent for a while. "I want to go back, Ben."

"Then you will," said Ben. "But the thing is, feelings like this don't usually go away over time. The best way of overcoming it is by facing your fear. Gradually. So that's why I want you to walk to the end of the road and back with me. We might not even see anyone, but it's a step in the right direction. Lots of steps in the right direction!"

* * *

"Hi, Dylan!" Zoe sounded surprised to hear from him but far from displeased. "I'm so glad you called me back. How are you?"

"I'm all right," said Dylan awkwardly. He looked at Ben, who gave him an encouraging smile. "I should probably be speaking to Connie really, but as you were the one who'd been trying to get in touch with me…"

"Connie's concerned about you too," said Zoe. "We all are."

"I've been thinking," said Dylan. "About what to do next."

He heard Zoe's slight intake of breath. "Dylan, I hope that doesn't mean you're thinking of leaving."

"Of course not," said Dylan, even though he had thought of it. "I just need some time, Zoe."

"That's understandable," said Zoe. "And I'm sure that will be all right with Connie. She said you've got plenty of holiday and she encouraged you to have a break…"

Dylan spoke with reluctance. He'd never liked taking time off. His job was so much a part of who he was. "I'd like to take a couple of weeks." It was what he needed. It would mean there was more chance of his being at home if Dervla came back - and he really hoped she did. He missed her so much and he regretted his sharp words to Dervla even more than he regretted what had happened in the hospital.

"I'm sure that will be all right," said Zoe. "But stay in touch, okay? I don't like to think of you on your own."

* * *

Robyn was staring at Ben as though she could hardly believe what she was hearing. "You're seriously moving out?"

"I'm sorry," said Ben.

"You don't have to be sorry," said Robyn. "But you do have to tell me why because I don't know what I'm going to do. Max has gone, Zoe's gone, you're going – how am I supposed to manage the rent on my own?"

"I'll still pay the rent," said Ben. "And I will come back here sometimes." He knew what Dylan was like. He loved Ben, but he also loved his own company. There would be times when he'd want a break and Ben needed a place to go.

"Are you going to tell me where you're going or not?" said Robyn.

Sadly, Ben shook his head. He wanted to tell Robyn, but he knew she'd never be able to keep it to herself. He couldn't do that to Dylan. "I can't tell you, Robyn. I'm sorry. I've been asked not to say anything."

"But you can tell me," said Robyn. "I wouldn't tell anyone."

Ben gave a wry smile and lifted an eyebrow.

"Oh, okay: I probably would, actually," admitted Robyn.

"I'm helping out a friend," said Ben at last. "I can't tell you who, but it's a very good friend."


	25. Chapter 25

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I hadn't thought about Robyn finding out, but you're right - she would definitely try!

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , I want to watch this on our screens too! Maybe the writers will read this and see what's obvious to us! Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , I can imagine Dylan wanting to be on his own sometimes - and I didn't want to put Robyn in a difficult situation just because Ben and Dylan have fallen in love! Thank you for your review.

* * *

It was difficult, but Dylan managed to get to the end of the road and back. Once they were home, Ben cuddled Dylan till his trembling had subsided and told him he was proud of him. Dylan didn't understand why Ben was proud, but he could see he really was. It shone from his eyes. When Ben left Dylan the next day, Dylan tried to retain the memory of how Ben had looked at him and the sound of his voice, and when Ben proposed a slightly longer walk, Dylan agreed. Again, it was difficult, but Dylan survived it. They saw quite a few people, but Ben insisted that none of them had been staring at Dylan.

"But they did look at me," said Dylan.

"They glanced in our direction," said Ben. "Probably to see if we were anyone they knew. Then they looked away again. If they thought there was anything odd about you, they wouldn't have looked away, but they just saw two normal guys out for a walk."

Dylan wanted to believe Ben, but he still couldn't quite imagine anyone looking at him and seeing someone normal.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Ben said when he arrived home from work the next day.

Dylan hesitated. "It's about going out. I don't want to."

Ben honestly wasn't surprised. He'd noticed what was wrong and had been sure Dylan would see it too. "This is the fourth day."

Dylan nodded.

"Then we'll stay in," said Ben. There was a part of him that was hurting: hurting for Dylan that he was still under the number's control, but that was an emotion he didn't ever want to share. He didn't want Dylan to feel any more guilt and shame than he did already. "Everyone needs a day off sometimes and I'm actually quite tired from my shift today."

"Tired?" said Dylan, concerned.

Ben nodded, an angelic smile on his face. "Yes. I think I need to lie down in your bed and have lots of cuddles."

* * *

It was difficult leaving the houseboat after a day off, but Dylan did his best for Ben's sake and he found, to his surprise, that he felt better rather than worse when they returned home.

But Ben had told him to expect ups and downs, and the down happened on the sixth day. "I hate myself, Ben."

"Why?" said Ben gently as he pulled Dylan into his arms and hugged him hard.

"Because Dervla's still gone and I haven't done anything to get her back," said Dylan. His voice wobbled, but he tried not to cry. It wouldn't help. It would only make Ben more worried and Dylan didn't want that.

Ben kissed his temple. "Of course you have. You've kept your phone on all day in case you get a phone call. You've stayed here so you'd be able to let Dervla in if anyone brought her home. Then we've gone out and looked for her every night. I know you've never stopped thinking of her."

"Where is she, Ben?" said Dylan, gazing at him through tear-filled eyes. "Is she out there alone, looking after herself? Or has she found herself a new family who treats her as she deserves? I hope it's the second one, Ben. I want her to be happy. But if it's the second one, I'll never get her back." His voice trembled again.

Ben held him even more tightly. "If they're treating her as she deserves, they'll be looking for her owner."

"Then why haven't they seen the posters?"

"I don't know," said Ben sadly. "Maybe I put them in the wrong places. I'll print off some more."

Dylan couldn't hold back a sob this time. "She's not coming back, is she?"

"Of course she is," said Ben. He said it as though he really meant it.

"You can't know that," said Dylan.

Ben stroked his hair. "I suppose I don't know, really, Dylan. I'm just looking on the bright side, I suppose. Because the alternative is too horrible even to think about." He hugged Dylan for a bit longer, both of them silent now. "Shall we give going out a miss tonight?"

Dylan shook his head. "We can't. She's too important."

* * *

Ben approached the houseboat with heavy steps. Days like these weren't uncommon in a hospital, but Ben was beginning to think he'd never get used to them.

He was better at dealing with them than when he'd started out. He was stronger now. He found it easier to be detached: to care more than anything when he was at work, but to switch off when he went home because if he didn't, it would drive him crazy.

But every so often, you couldn't switch off. It stayed in your head, going round in circles; torturing you. Taunting you.

All Ben wanted now was to crawl into bed and forget the rest of the world existed, but he knew he couldn't. Dylan needed him. He'd probably had a worse day than Ben.

He unlocked the door using the spare key Dylan had given him and went inside, hating himself for the selfish hope that this wouldn't be one of Dylan's bad days.

The signs were promising. Ben could smell something cooking. He followed the smell to discover Dylan hard at work. He spoke as cheerfully as he could. "Hi, gorgeous."

Dylan looked up, a smile on his face, but it froze when he saw Ben. He turned down the stove and came towards him. "Ben, what's wrong?"

The anxiety in his voice, coupled with the fact that Dylan just knew, was more than Ben could cope with. His eyes filled with tears. "Sorry, Dylan."

Dylan hugged him tightly. "Don't you ever let me hear you apologise for feeling sad again. Sit down, Ben, and we'll have a cuddle, and you can tell me what happened."

"It's nothing," said Ben, but as he was already crying into Dylan's shoulder, he knew he wouldn't have fooled anyone. Much less the man who probably knew him better than anyone else in the world.

Dylan kissed his curly head and caressed his back and shoulders. He whispered words of comfort, but didn't press Ben to tell him what had happened.

Ben had hoped not to have to tell Dylan, but sitting in his arms, he felt more loved than he'd ever felt in his whole life, and he realised that there was no need to hide anything from Dylan. Dylan was suffering, but he would always be there for Ben.

He sat up and Dylan kissed his tears away. Then he settled Ben more comfortably in his arms and waited.

"There was a patient," began Ben, then stopped, not knowing how to go on.

"What was wrong with the patient?" asked Dylan.

"She was in a car accident," said Ben. "Severe internal injuries. We contacted her relatives, but they didn't get there in time."

Dylan brushed a tear from Ben's cheek. "Were you with her? At the end? You should never have been allowed to do that!"

"Someone had to be there," said Ben. "I didn't mind. But I was sitting there holding her hand and she was telling me all about her plans. All these things she wanted to do. And then she died."

Dylan held him close again. There was something so strong and comforting and reassuring about him. Ben hadn't really noticed it before because he'd always been the one comforting Dylan. But he felt safe in his arms.

"Don't leave me," mumbled Ben, and then stopped, aghast at what he'd just said.

"Now, why on earth would I want to do that?" said Dylan with gentle exasperation. "I'll never leave you, Ben. Never."


	26. Chapter 26

**Tanith Panic** , I'm sure I'll bring Dervla back at some stage. I just can't say exactly when! Thank you for your review. I'm glad you like it despite the sadness!

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I was starting to worry there was a lot of Ben looking after Dylan and nothing about Dylan looking after Ben!

* * *

Ben awoke with the feeling that there was something about today he didn't like.

But it was far too early for him to know what it was.

It was also too early for Ben to think about getting up, so he closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Dylan. But as time passed and Ben's brain slowly woke up, the uneasy feeling remained and eventually, Ben realised what was wrong.

Dylan was going back to work today.

He wasn't ready. He said he was, but Ben knew he couldn't be. Dylan was getting used to being out in public, but they hadn't gone anywhere near the hospital, and spending an hour walking past strangers in the streets was very different from spending a whole shift dealing with patients.

Ben rolled out of bed and got dressed. He knew that if Dylan was going to go to work, he needed to get up soon, but it seemed so cruel. Dylan looked so relaxed in sleep. He wasn't smiling, but he looked peaceful. Ben knew he wouldn't look like that if he woke him up.

Perhaps Dylan sensed Ben's eyes on him. Or perhaps he was simply ready to wake up. He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling for a moment as one arm hugged empty air where he'd evidently expected to find Ben. A look of confusion passed over Dylan's face. It made Ben smile, but not for long. A moment later, pain flashed into Dylan's eyes before he squeezed them tightly shut.

"Dylan?" said Ben softly.

"I'm going to work," said Dylan.

A simple sentence, but Ben heard all the fear and uncertainty. Half-dressed, he climbed onto the bed and hugged Dylan. "You don't have to go."

"Of course I have to go," said Dylan sadly as he hugged Ben in return.

"But if we tell Mrs Beauchamp or Zoe you're not ready-"

"Do you really think they'd understand?"

Ben thought Zoe would understand, but Zoe wasn't clinical lead anymore. Her opinion would likely count for nothing.

"I need to have a shower," said Dylan, with much the same enthusiasm as he'd announced his imminent return to work.

Despite his concern for Dylan, Ben couldn't help feeling a little bit disappointed. He loved Dylan when he was all hot and sweaty and hadn't showered. He'd actually banned Dylan from using the shower unless they were using it together, but he would make an exception on this occasion.

"I'll make you some breakfast," said Ben. He kissed Dylan and climbed off the bed.

Dylan looked at the clock and gave a sharp cry of pain. "No! No time. No time."

"What's wrong, Dylan?" Ben asked anxiously.

Dylan scrambled out of bed. "No time for a shower. I have to go to work. I'm late."

"No, you're not late," said Ben. "I'm not leaving for an hour and we're due in at the same time."

"But I need to be early," said Dylan as he searched for some clothes. "I need to check things. I can't work unless I know everything's all right."

Ben hated himself for not having thought of this. He knew Dylan always arrived at work before him and he should have guessed this might be the reason why. "Have you got time for breakfast?"

"No," said Dylan. He put his shirt on and did up the buttons all wrong. Ben smiled despite his concern and sorted it out for him. Dylan smiled too and gave Ben a kiss, but a moment later, his agitation returned and he finished getting dressed at breakneck speed.

"Haven't we even got time for a slice of toast?" said Ben, who was quite hungry, but Dylan shook his head.

"No. No time. You can eat when we get to the hospital. I'll be too busy."

Ben didn't like the idea of Dylan working on an empty stomach and it seemed likely to make his first day back at work even more difficult, but it also wouldn't help to upset Dylan's routines. He watched helplessly as Dylan got himself ready, muttering himself and checking everything he did several times.

"I'm ready," said Dylan at last. "First we need to go and drop Dervla off, then…" He stopped as he remembered. His mouth trembled.

Ben caught him in a tight hug. "We could call in there if you like. They might have an idea of where she might be." And it would mean that Dylan's journey to work followed its usual pattern.

"No… no point," said Dylan tremulously. "We'll just go to work."

* * *

Dylan locked the houseboat and he and Ben started to walk. Dylan felt panicky, but it was easier to control it when Ben was there. He glanced at him every so often and it did make him feel a little bit calmer.

The first part of the walk was all right. He and Ben walked this way a lot. The streets felt familiar. There were people walking past him, but none seemed to do more than glance in Dylan's direction.

But the places where he had walked with Ben had become a sort of safety zone and Dylan couldn't help but be aware that they would soon be leaving it. They had to. Dylan kept walking, but his breathing was becoming shallower and faster.

"Are you okay?" said Ben.

"Of course I'm okay," said Dylan, too quickly. They were nearly there. Another few steps… Dylan's breath was noisy now too.

Ben put his hand on Dylan's arm.

Dylan shook him off. "Someone might see, Ben!"

"Sorry," said Ben quickly, but he looked hurt and Dylan hated himself.

He stepped out of the safety zone.

He felt his heartrate increasing and looked down at Dervla, but she wasn't there.

Of course she wasn't there. She'd been missing for two weeks: how could he have forgotten that?

He couldn't breathe. There was something wrong with the air. He was having trouble walking as well: it felt as though he was walking through a swamp. His legs felt heavy and something seemed to be dragging them back, but that was impossible because they were just walking down a road.

Ben edged slightly closer to him. "Dylan, it's okay," he said, his voice only just audible. "You can do this. Can you breathe slower for me?"

But Dylan couldn't. All he could think of was that he was so much of a freak, he couldn't even breathe or walk now. Why was Ben even still with him? Why wasn't he running away in horror?

And Dervla wasn't here…

Hardly knowing what he was doing, Dylan walked over to a wall and leaned against it, still trying to breathe. He heard Ben's concerned voice. "Dylan, it's okay. You're going to be fine. Just rest for a minute, yeah? If you need a hug, let me know."

"You can't hug me," said Dylan.

"Okay, but I'm here," said Ben. "I'm here and I'm not going to leave you."

Dylan could feel tears threatening to fill his eyes. He hated himself for it. He wasn't a child. Only a freak would cry because he didn't want to go to work.

"Is everything okay?" That was a female voice. A hand touched Dylan's arm. "Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need a doctor?"

"I am a doctor!" shouted Dylan. "Just leave me alone!"

The girl backed away. "I'm sorry." She looked frightened and hurt and Dylan realised she was wearing school uniform. She only looked about fourteen, but he'd shouted at her.

He'd behaved like a freak.

Ben stepped forward, which had the effect both of bringing him closer to the girl and blocking her view of Dylan. "It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. Dr Keogh is under a lot of stress at the moment. All doctors are, but every so often, it gets too much. It happens to every doctor. It's a bit scary, but it's completely normal and understandable. I'm a nurse, so I've seen it happen."

Dylan stood with his eyes closed as Ben ensured the girl wasn't too upset. Dylan didn't know if he was angry with Ben for telling someone about his private business or if he just loved him more than ever for manging to describe Dylan as normal.

Once the girl was finally gone, Dylan spoke to Ben, his eyes still closed. "I can't do this."

"That's fine," said Ben. "I'll take you home."

"But I can't go home," said Dylan.

He felt Ben's arm brushing his and knew Ben was leaning against the wall beside him. "Dylan, no-one could expect you to work if you're not ready. We'll go home now and I'll text Zoe from your phone – pretending to be you of course – and explain. Come on. Let's go home."


	27. Chapter 27

**SassyRaydorGirl** , thank you for both your reviews! Most of the story is about Ben supporting Dylan, but I wanted to make it clear that Dylan is there for Ben too. I just wish Dylan had Ben in the series too!

 **Tanith Panic** , that's something I've been worrying about - I really want to acknowledge stress as an illness and the difficulties of returning to work, but it's not a speech I can imagine Ben making, and Dylan has hardly spoken to anyone else! Zoe can't say it because it doesn't fit with the other things she says to Dylan. But I've thought of a couple of ways around it so I just have to choose one! I like it when Ben takes charge - he's still gentle and unassuming, but he is able to do it. He was very good with Cal in A Child's Heart. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you think Ben is sweet - I'm sure Dylan would agree with you!

* * *

Ben took the day off work too. Dylan hadn't asked him to stay, but he hadn't said anything at all. Ben knew he was disappointed with himself. He tried to convince Dylan there was no need, but he didn't think he was very successful..

Once they were back at home, Dylan climbed into bed and just sat there, his knees drawn up to his chest. Ben wondered if a hug or a cup of tea would be most helpful, before deciding on the hug.

Dylan still said nothing, but Ben felt his body leaning slightly towards him. That was enough to tell Ben he'd done the right thing. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Ben asked for Dylan's phone. He typed a text message from Dylan to Zoe, explaining that he'd tried to go back but he just wasn't ready, and showed it to Dylan. Ben was expecting Dylan to make some objection, but he just read it and nodded his head.

Ben sent the email and then phoned Rita.

"Hi Lofty: everything all right?"

"Not really," said Ben. He thought about faking a cough, but he was worried about messing it up and Max had told him that when you were pretending to be ill, the less faking you did, the more convincing it was.

Rita's voice softened. "What's up, Lofty?"

Her sympathy made it even more difficult to lie. "I'm not feeling too well, Rita. I was wondering if I could take the day off."

"Oh no: what's wrong?" said Rita kindly.

Ben was going to say he had a cough, but if he wasn't going to fake a cough, it probably wouldn't be very convincing. "I feel sick," he said instead. "I had a dodgy kebab last night and I still haven't recovered."

"You poor thing!" said Rita. "Of course you can take the day off. And thank you for phoning me yourself and not getting Robyn to do your dirty work for you."

Ben thought guiltily that this was probably the first time he hadn't asked Robyn to pass on a message. "Thanks, Rita. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow."

"Just make sure you are better," said Rita. "You won't be any use to us if you come back too soon. Look after yourself, drink lots of fluids and make sure you take precautions so Robyn and Max stay healthy."

"Okay," said Ben. He'd already decided not to tell anyone at the ED that he was moving out. They'd want him to update his address details and he definitely couldn't do that.

He hoped that one day, Dylan would be happy for the world to know that he and Ben loved each other, but for the moment he wasn't and Ben would do everything he could to ensure that nobody found out.

* * *

Dylan didn't go to work the following day either. Ben took a second day off work, but didn't feel able to take a third. He'd hoped Dylan might be able to go back with him, but it was a vain hope and he wasn't surprised when Dylan told him he couldn't do it. Ben gave him a kiss and told him that was fine, but he was worried.

He had a great deal of respect for Connie Beauchamp as both a doctor and a clinical lead. She had to make impossible decisions and deal with difficult situations, and she had an extraordinary strength that Ben truly admired. However, she had incredibly high standards and had limited patience for doctors who didn't reach them. Ben wanted to believe she'd understand how stressed and unhappy Dylan had been and give him a bit more time, but he wasn't convinced.

Over the next few days, Dylan received a number of phone calls and texts from Zoe, but he refused to answer them. Ben tried to persuade him, thinking that Zoe might perhaps be able to speak to Connie, but Dylan just shouted at him to leave him alone. Ben didn't mind that as he understood Dylan wasn't well, but what did upset him was the amount of guilt Dylan felt afterwards.

Ben convinced Dylan to resume their walks, which he did for Dervla's sake, though he refused to go anywhere near the hospital. Ben thought Dylan quite enjoyed their walks: although he was mainly focused on looking for Dervla, he did smile occasionally and let his hand accidentally-on-purpose brush against Ben's. Their sex life also didn't suffer. There were times when Dylan was too upset and all Ben wanted was to hold him, but there were also times when they lay in Dylan's bed with thoughts of Connie and the hospital a long way from either of their minds.

* * *

Dylan was having one of his better days. He'd got out of bed and got dressed, though Ben had banned him from using the shower. He was cuddled up against Dylan's chest now, breathing in the scent of him and smiling because it was so good to see Dylan happy.

"Isn't it time for you to go to work?" said Dylan.

"No: I don't need to leave for an hour," said Ben. He knew Dylan was worried that he wouldn't have enough time to make safety checks and that something might happen to him. Ben could have explained he didn't have to do anything like that, but he knew from experience that it would be far better to distract Dylan than to make explanations that wouldn't satisfy him.

He slid a finger between two of the buttons on Dylan's shirt and caressed his skin.

"Mm," said Dylan appreciatively.

Ben kissed him and Dylan responded with enthusiasm, his body pressed against Ben's. Ben untucked Dylan's shirt, revelling in the feeling of Dylan's hungry mouth and the fingers tangling between his curls. He ran his fingers all over Dylan's back, causing him to gasp out loud and tear at Ben's clothing.

Then they heard someone knocking on the door of the houseboat.

"Dylan!" The voice was unmistakeably Zoe's. "Dylan!"

And, just like that, reality returned.

Ben grabbed at Dylan in a panic. "What are we going to do?"

"Just keep quiet," said Dylan. "She'll go away."

"If you think I'm leaving, you obviously don't know me very well," said Zoe.

"It doesn't sound like she's leaving to me," whispered Ben.

Zoe knocked again. "Dylan!"


	28. Chapter 28

**SassyRaydorGirl** , I shouldn't think anyone in the ED would have a problem with Ben and Dylan's relationship, but Dylan obviously doesn't agree! He's so stubborn. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , you don't have to wait any longer! I'm glad you like the cliffhanger. You could be right about Zoe! Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , Dylan probably would be upset and he's upset enough already, but that wouldn't necessarily stop me from writing it! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Dylan stayed where he was for a moment, then he slowly got to his feet. "I'd better talk to her." He looked at Ben. "You'll need to keep very quiet."

"Shall I hide in the shower?" said Ben. "I'm sure she won't look for me in there. And obviously, I'll make sure I'm appropriately-attired for the shower."

"Good idea," said Dylan. As Ben went to hide, he quickly tucked his shirt back in and went to open the door.

Zoe's look was slightly reproving, but she didn't seem annoyed.

"I just woke up," said Dylan. He hesitated for a moment. He didn't want her in his home. He didn't want her to discover Ben. But he knew that Zoe wanted to talk to him and she'd do it standing on the doorstep if she had to. He jerked his head towards the inside of the boat. "Come in."

"Everyone's worried about you, Dylan," Zoe said as she sat down. "Including me."

"Laughing on the inside, probably," muttered Dylan.

She looked so sympathetic. Dylan hated it. Sympathy wasn't quite pity, but it was close enough.

"I really think you should consider speaking to Ben," said Zoe quietly. "I've made you an appointment."

Dylan stared at her in horror. How did she know about… "Why would I want to talk to Ben?" he asked disparagingly – hoping that Ben would understand he was protecting him.

"You know, he's helped a lot of us over the years," said Zoe. "He's very good."

"What do you mean 'over the years'?" said Dylan jealously. "He's only been here eighteen months. And why would I want to talk to a nurse anyway? How would that help me?"

Zoe looked very confused, but then her face returned to its irritatingly sympathetic state. "I don't mean Lofty. I mean Ben Harding."

Dylan felt a moment's relief before realising Zoe was talking about the hospital's counsellor.

"I know that some of the things I've been doing are irrational," said Dylan as calmly as he could. "I also know they're not unimportant. It's two voices – both right – both refusing to be ignored. Some NVQ level counsellor's not going to be able to fix that."

"Ben is a trained psychotherapist," said Zoe.

"If you could speak to Connie again," said Dylan. "If I could have a little bit more time…" He was sure that was all he needed. Most illnesses got better over time. Either that or you learned to live with them.

"If you don't comply with this, you could get struck off," said Zoe. "Okay?"

Dylan looked away. It shouldn't have surprised him. But it hurt and he wished Ben was there.

Zoe's sympathy had changed to firmness. "Now, you have a slim chance to save your career, but it has to start _today_."

Dylan looked up at her disbelievingly. She couldn't just walk in here and demand things like that. Did she have no understanding of what he was going through?

"Today!" said Zoe.

"Fine." Dylan didn't see what choice he had. He didn't want to get struck off. He didn't think he could do any other job and he couldn't expect – and didn't want – Ben ( _his_ Ben: the only Ben he ever wanted to see) to have to support both of them.

But it wouldn't be easy. It might not even be possible and Zoe didn't seem to get that.

Zoe smiled in relief. "Okay. Thank you."

Dylan nodded and gave a little sigh.

"I've made the appointment for two-thirty," said Zoe. "So that should give you plenty of time to get your shower fixed." She stood up.

Dylan frowned, confused. "My shower's not broken."

"Then you might want to use it," said Zoe pointedly.

* * *

Ben heard Dylan close the door behind Zoe, but he didn't move just in case he'd heard wrong and Zoe was still there. He stayed where he was, thinking over all he'd heard and aching for Dylan (and not in the way he usually did). He'd always thought Zoe was so kind and supportive, but she'd disappointed him today.

Dylan didn't _want_ to stay away from work. He was very upset that he hadn't been able to manage it at the end of the two weeks and he was trying so hard to reach a stage where he could go back to the hospital, but it was very difficult. Ben would have thought someone as intelligent as Zoe would be able to appreciate that.

It probably wasn't her call, of course. It would be Connie making the decisions. But Zoe could still have been a lot nicer about it.

Ben heard footsteps and then Dylan was standing in front of the shower. He didn't even glance at Ben's naked body, which showed how upset he was. His frightened eyes sought Ben's. "Ben, what am I going to do?"

Ben stepped out of the shower and led Dylan over to the bed. They sat together on the edge and Ben wrapped his arms tightly around Dylan. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

"I can't do it," Dylan said unsteadily into Ben's shoulder. "I can't."

"If you can't, it's not your fault," said Ben. "It's unfair of Zoe to walk in here and start telling you what to do when she has no idea of what's going on."

Dylan held him more tightly. "I don't want to get struck off."

Ben stroked his hair. "I know, Dylan. I know. But we don't know it's going to come to that. I heard what Zoe said, but I'm sure it wouldn't be that easy to get rid of you. It's not like you've done anything wrong. You haven't slept with one of your patients."

"Certainly not!" said Dylan, and he sounded like he might have been smiling just a little bit at this ridiculous thought.

"You haven't stolen anything or killed a patient or done anything to damage the career of one of your colleagues," went on Ben.

"There was that little scene in Resus," mumbled Dylan.

Ben kissed his head. "Lots of people have a little scene in Resus. That only happened because you weren't well. And they can't strike you off for being ill. Can they? Isn't that against the mental health act or something?"

"Theoretically, but our first concern is always for the patients," sighed Dylan. "If Connie can prove that the patients aren't safe with me…"

"I'm sure she couldn't do that," said Ben. "I know you don't like Bay 4 and you ask not to work there, but I think there's only been one case where you haven't been able to treat the patient, isn't there? All the other times, you just got on with it. And the checklists: how does that make the patient less safe?"

"It does if it wastes time," said Dylan. "Sometimes the patient doesn't have time. That's what Connie will argue."

"But it doesn't mean they'll get anywhere," said Ben.

Dylan turned his head to look at Ben. "Then there's the time I shouted at you."

Ben smiled and kissed him. "Connie can only prove that if I say it took place. And I don't remember. So she can't prove anything."

Dylan put his hand on Ben's cheek. "You don't have to lie for me."

"I don't see it as lying," said Ben. "As far as I'm concerned, you're a very good and competent doctor, Dylan. So anything I say is going to be in support of that. Maybe you have your off-days, but who doesn't? I definitely do."

"And my bedside manner…"

Ben kissed him again. "I think you're wonderful in bed. And I'm going to tell them that. With slightly different wording, obviously."

Dylan gave a shaky laugh. "I love you, Ben."

"I love you too, Dylan."

"But what am I going to do about this appointment?" said Dylan. "How am I going to get to the hospital?"

Ben stroked his hair as he considered. "You could go by taxi. I could go with you if you wanted. We'll get the driver to drop us off round the corner."

"But you can't walk into the ED with me," said Dylan.

Ben kissed his forehead and thought some more. "I think I can, you know. We just need to plan it. I know it's going to be difficult for you, Dylan. I know I can't imagine how difficult it's going to be. But I'm going to help you all I can." He kissed Dylan softly on the lips. "I'd do anything to stop you from being struck off. Anything."


	29. Chapter 29

**Tanith Panic** , it always annoyed me slightly that Casualty had two Bens - now I just feel grateful to the writers for giving me the opportunity to create such delicious confusion! Thank you for your review.

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , I'm sorry Zoe didn't catch Lofty in the shower. Maybe I can use it in another story! I have to say the idea of Lofty in the shower isn't completely unappealing. Or you could write it? Thank you for your review.

 _I've just written Chapter 31 and the end of the chapter feels like a good place to end the story. However, as the story will be ending just before the wedding, and as the wedding and its aftermath have lots of potential for Ben-Dylan drama, I was thinking about writing a sequel. What do you think?_

* * *

Ben paused for a moment outside the door of the ED. It felt almost as though he were an actor, taking on a new role. The role of the happy best man who doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't even like Dr Keogh that much.

Ben honestly thought he'd find it easier to play Hamlet. But he donned stag horns along with the others and waited for Max to arrive.

"Did someone say stag night?" asked Ben, pasting a smile to his face when the groom finally appeared.

"What noise does a stag make?" asked Noel.

Big Mac walked up to reception. "Lofty! What kind of shenanigans have you got lined up for matey-boy here?"

Not a lot, as it happened. Ben had other priorities at the moment. He hadn't had a lot of time for thinking about other people's love lives.

"Oh… well, that would be telling, wouldn't it?" said Ben.

"Well, I've got a few ideas, if you need…" began Big Mac.

Noel turned to Ben. "Hold on. Didn't you say something about handcuffs and a boat?"

Ben really hoped he wasn't blushing. There might have been a slight experience he'd had involving handcuffs and Dylan's boat, but he absolutely hadn't said anything about that.

Had he?

He had had a few drinks with Noel a couple of nights ago, Ben remembered uneasily. He couldn't remember very much about it, though he remembered Dylan had been upset when Ben had come home, not just late but drunk. Luckily, it had only taken Dylan three hours to forgive him and they had eventually gone to sleep in each other's arms.

"Handcuffs and a boat?" said Ben. "Are you sure? Where would we get a boat?"

"I think you said something about Dylan's boat," said Noel, "but I'm not sure, to be honest. I was in a bit of a state that night. Honey had to put me to bed because I couldn't remember the way to the bedroom."

Ben stood for a moment in panic, but then he made a pretty good attempt at faking a laugh. "Don't worry about anything I said that night, mate. You were so out of it and I was telling you all kinds of rubbish. You believed everything I told you."

"So it's not true that Rita and Mrs Beauchamp are secret lovers or that Honey is moonlighting an exotic dancer?"

"Of course not!" said Ben.

"That's a relief," said Noel. "I was trying to work up to asking her about it, but I didn't know how to start. Honey, I mean. Not Mrs Beauchamp."

Ben felt very glad Noel hadn't asked Honey. Or Mrs Beauchamp for that matter. He decided he'd better stay much more sober on the stag night if alcohol made him say things like that.

"I suppose it's not true about Dylan being gay either," said Noel.

Oh God, had he said that too? Ben somehow managed a nonchalant shrug. "It could be. How would I know what he gets up to in private on his boat?"

* * *

Ben glanced around the staff room, noting with relief that there didn't seem to be anyone here apart from him and Jacob. It had been difficult getting the nurse to himself: it involved following him around in a way he must have noticed.

"So now you have run me to ground," said Jacob with a smile. "How can I help you, Lofty?"

"I was wondering when your lunchbreak was today," said Ben.

Jacob grimaced. "1.30 until 2.30. Quite late. Not my favourite time to have lunch. Why?

"How would you like to have lunch at twelve instead?" said Ben.

Jacob's eyes gleamed. "That sounds good to me. Do you have a date with your special man?"

Ben hesitated. He trusted Jacob, but he knew Dylan wouldn't appreciate it if he told Jacob everything. "He has an appointment with someone. I'd like to make sure he gets here safely and I want to give him a bit of support."

Jacob gave a broad smile. "He is a lucky man. Of course I can swap lunchbreaks with you. We'll have to get Rita to agree, but I know how to get round Nurse Rita." He winked and patted Ben's shoulder. "Just leave it to me."

* * *

Ben really wanted to spend his mid-morning break trying to reassure Dylan about his appointment, but instead he had to spend the time trying to organise the stag night he'd forgotten about. He was sure that, if Dylan was his official boyfriend, everyone would understand why he'd been distracted at the moment, but as he couldn't say anything, all he could do was try to pull something out of the bag in the next six hours.

It wasn't easy. In order to organise something, you really had to think of something to organise and Ben was so short of ideas, he even considered asking Big Mac for help, but he didn't really want to discuss best-man stuff with Big Mac. Max insisted that Big Mac being his best man was all a joke, but Ben had seen Big Mac looking sad once or twice when the wedding was mentioned and wondered if _he'd_ known it was a joke.

If not, then the joke really wasn't funny.

 _So all I've got to do is help my boyfriend through one of the biggest challenges of his life and organise the best stag night ever in just a few hours_ _and make sure_ _Big Mac isn't left feeling sad he's never been a best man_ , thought Ben.

Even Cal and Ethan's FCEM exam – which they'd both failed, poor lads – had to be easier than this.

* * *

The day didn't get easier. First the bus driver cancelled, then the cowboy costumes turned out to be white frilly dresses. When two o'clock arrived, Ben was not only despairing but starving. He went home to discover Dylan wasn't ready. Ben helped him to get changed and packed his bag for him, making sure that Dylan had his money, credit cards and the number for a taxi.

Dylan was looking pale, scared and completely gorgeous. "I don't know if I can do this, Ben."

"I know you can," said Ben, taking Dylan's hands in his. "This is what we're going to do. We'll get the taxi to drop us around the corner. Then you start walking, slowly. I'll give you a bit of a start, then I'll start walking and catch you up and we can walk into the ED together. Okay?" Ben handed Dylan his bag and gave him a kiss. "You'll be fine, Dylan. And I love you."

* * *

At first, their plan worked perfectly. Dylan and Ben got out of the taxi and Ben said a few encouraging words. Then Dylan started walking slowly towards the ED. The closer he got, the more anxious he became, and he wished Ben would hurry up.

Then he realised someone was waiting for him.

"And there I was, thinking I'd have to go and drag you here," Zoe said with a friendly smile.

"Shall we get the nonsense over with then?" said Dylan shortly. It looked like he was going in on his own after all. He knew Ben wouldn't approach him if Zoe was there.

Zoe seemed to realise her presence was unwanted. She sighed and walked off, leaving Dylan alone in front of the hospital.

"Dr Keogh!" said a voice from behind him. "Good to see you back."

Dylan turned. All he wanted was to run into Ben's arms. "Oh. Hello, Ben." He started walking again.

"Are you working today?" asked Ben, falling into step beside him. "We're having the stag night tonight if you're interested."

Dylan felt a jolt as shock flowed through him. He spoke quietly, but his voice was hard. "This is the first I've heard of any stag night."

A horrified look came into Ben's eyes, but it was quickly masked. "Well, I'm the best man so I had to organise a stag night. You're welcome to come with us."

"No," said Dylan shortly. "I think I have better things to do with my time than watch girls take their clothes off."

"Not sure it's my cup of tea either, but it's all about the groom tonight," said Ben. "Last night of freedom and all that. Not that he's looked at any girl but Zoe for months."

Dylan heard the words but made no sense of him. He felt... he didn't know how he felt. As though he was walking and he'd suddenly realised there was no floor beneath his feet. Why Ben hadn't told him before? Why had he sprung it on him now?

He realised he was about to follow Ben in the direction of the staff room and stopped. "I'm going… this way," he said rather blankly

"See you around, mate," said Ben, as though he didn't care much either way.

He gave Dylan a quick, impersonal smile and left him alone.


	30. Chapter 30

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I wanted to hug Dylan all the way through the episode! Or for Ben to hug him. Either will do!

 **SissyRaydorGirl,** I don't know if you have access to iplayer, but there's a 15-minute episode about the hen night and stag night. It actually seems to contradict the episodes, but it's very enjoyable. It's called Mrs-Walker-to-Be. Thank you for your review - yes, our lovely Dr Keogh is tougher than he thinks.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter and I hope you enjoyed this one too.

* * *

Dylan reluctantly went to wait outside the other Ben's office, which was just around the corner from the pharmacy. He'd never realised before what an inconvenient location this was. His colleagues came up to the pharmacy all the time. If they saw him sitting here, they would know why at once.

He sat in the empty chair furthest from the pharmacy and waited. He'd only just made it on time, but Harding was obviously running late. Dylan felt tense and anxious. Although he was in a different part of the hospital, the smell was the same. The walls and the floor were the same. The sounds were also familiar: ringing phones and tapping feet. He bent forward and hid his face in his hand, trying to block out the sights as well as the smell.

Dylan avoided the gazes of the other patients, expecting at any moment to be recognised by another patient, someone he'd treated, but no-one said anything to him. Everyone was silent.

Why had Ben not told him about the stag night? Would he just have left with the others, leaving Dylan waiting for him at home?

Dylan sat up and leaned back against his chair, his eyes closed. When he heard footsteps again, he looked up automatically, wondering if it might be Harding come to collect him, but it wasn't.

It was Rita. She came to a standstill when she saw Dylan sitting outside the counsellor's office.

Dylan closed his eyes for a moment, but when he opened them, Rita was still there. Still standing, staring at him, like he was some sort of…

…like he was some sort of freak.

* * *

Zoe found Dylan sitting on a bench outside the hospital. He wasn't sure why he was there or what he was waiting for. Perhaps he was entertaining some unconscious hope of going back before his appointment was over, but he knew it wouldn't work like that. If Dylan wasn't there, Harding would see the next person instead; try to make up for lost time.

"Hi," said Zoe, a concerned look on her face. "What happened?"

He didn't answer. He just kept staring ahead of him.

Zoe sat beside him. "Whatever you're going through, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Dylan. You can't do this all on your own."

Dylan felt a fresh stab of pain as he remembered he really was on his own now. "I have been doing it on my own for thirty-eight years. There comes a point when you just have to say: 'This is me'. Faulty. Somehow. Perhaps not in my own eyes, but I know what the other people think of me. Lofty… the other nurses…" He hardly even felt guilty for saying Ben's name this time. Ben had obviously had enough of him. He had brought Dylan to his appointment, but then he'd abandoned him, casually and callously telling him he wouldn't be home tonight.

Tonight, of all nights.

"They only want you to get better," said Zoe.

Dylan shook his head. "No, I'm on my own, Zoe. Even Dervla's had enough of me." He turned away. "You have to ask: for whom am I trying to get better?"

"For me?" said Zoe softly. "I'm getting married tomorrow and I really need you there to walk me down the aisle."

With Ben standing at the other end of the aisle.

"But I… don't know that I can," he said. He didn't want to hurt Zoe, but she didn't understand what she was asking. He'd managed to leave the houseboat today and go to the hospital, even though Ben had torn his heart out on the way, but he didn't see how he was going to be able to go to the wedding.

"Well, then you're going to have to really try," said Zoe.

Dylan knew he would try. Zoe was his friend. Of course he would try, but he didn't know how he could succeed. Ben would be there: Ben who had broken his heart. Robyn, who hated him. Max. A lot more at the reception. A lot more people who just didn't like him.

Dylan saw a movement from the corner of his eye. There was a lot of movement in a hospital: always someone walking in or out. There was no reason to look at this person, but he did.

Rita. Looking at him again.

Dylan mumbled something to Zoe that didn't make sense even to him, got up and hurried away.

"Dylan," said Zoe. "Dylan, wait."

Dylan kept on walking.

* * *

It was getting worse. The stripper Ben had hired had arrived at the hospital – and it looked like she had the norovirus. Female strippers had never done very much for Ben, but he wasn't sure she'd do much for anyone if she had to strip with a sick bowl next to her.

"It should have been you arranging it," he said to Big Mac. "Everything I touch falls apart."

Including Dylan. He'd completely fallen apart and Ben was terrified their relationship would follow. He should have told Dylan about the stag night. He had no idea how he'd failed to tell Dylan about the stag night. But he had forgotten – and now Dylan wasn't answering his calls.

Big Mac shook his head and came around to Ben's side of the desk. "Come on, Lofty, man. Don't say that."

Ben looked at him sadly. It was kind of Big Mac, but that didn't make it any less true. He was a failure. As a best man and as a boyfriend.

"Max doesn't need all the fancy stuff," said Big Mac. "Okay? All he wants is a pub crawl with his mates. That and drinking till he falls over."

Ben stared at Big Mac, startled. "Do you think so?"

"I know so," said Big Mac.

* * *

It wasn't long before they'd all lost count of the number of pubs they'd been to. Ben had a list, but it was very long and he soon realised he was too drunk to count that high, though he was probably the most sober person there. Ethan had kept his drinking to a minimum, but he wasn't as used to it as Ben so he was slurring a bit and sending soppy texts to Honey, which he insisted on reading aloud, much to Cal's embarrassment.

Ben thought Cal was probably relieved when Honey texted a bit later to say she'd been sick all over the pub and Dixie was taking her home. Ethan decided he'd better go and make sure she was all right.

"No, I should go," said Noel regretfully. He had his arm around Big Mac in an effort to keep himself upright as they walked from one pub to the next. It was clear that the last thing he wanted to do was to go home and look after his daughter.

"I don't mind going," said Ethan. "I'm not much of a drinker anyway and I'm reashonably shober and I'm a doctor sho I know all shorts of shtuff about medishine and shtuff."

"I think you should let him go," Cal said to Noel. "They can share a sick bowl. They'll probably think it's _romantic_." Cal rolled his eyes. This made him a bit dizzy and he had to grab Noel's arm. "Then we can have some real fun!"

"Okay," said Noel, nodding. "Ethan's a doctor. I'm a receptionist. Honey's better with a doctor."

Ethan nodded and walked into someone's car. "Better with a doctor," he said over the noise of the car alarm.

"You need a taxi, Ethan!" said Cal. "I don't think you should try stealing a car in that state." Cal flagged down a taxi by throwing himself into its path and pretending he'd been hit. The taxi driver didn't seem that enthusiastic about giving Ethan a lift, but he calmed down when Ethan promised to pay him double. They all waved Ethan off and went in search of the next pub.

Ben hung back, letting Cal and Max do all the idiotic shouting and falling over. Noel and Big Mac had started a sing-song, but Ben didn't really want to get involved in that either.

Ben heard a dog barking and automatically turned to see if it was Dervla. He always did that. Even when it sounded nothing like her. He peered through the darkness, unable to see the dog, but the barks did sound familiar. In the next moment, something shot across the road and he was almost knocked off his feet.

"Dervla?" he said, unable to believe it as she licked his face. "Where did you come from?"


	31. Chapter 31

_This is the last chapter, though I hope it won't be the end of Ben and Dylan as I would like to write a sequel. I can't promise daily updates as it was a real challenge, but it was fun! T_ _hank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, especially those of you who have reviewed almost every chapter, but I appreciated every review, as well as all the follows and favourites._

 **SassyRaydorGirl** , yes, Ben has found Dervla (or rather Dervla's found Ben), but will he managed to take her home to Dylan? Thank you for all your reviews and it's really lovely I've found a new couple for you to ship.

 **Tanith Panic** , I actually didn't have anything about the stag night, but I put something in just for you because you're right and it needed to be addressed. Thank you for all your lovely reviews and for inspiring me to write about Ben and Dylan.

* * *

"LOFTY!" he heard Max shouting from somewhere up ahead of him. "WHERE'S MY BEST MAN?"

"He must have pulled," said Cal, before quickly losing interest. "Look at that car! Do you think I should stand on it?"

Iain started laughing. "I think Lofty _has_ pulled! And she looks like a right dog."

"Ethan would say she must be barking to go out with Lofty," said Cal as he climbed onto the car bonnet and swayed, nearly losing his balance. "But I'm not going to say that because I'm waaaay cooler than Ethan."

Ben took a firm hold of Dervla's collar. "I'm going to take her home, okay?"

"You dog, you!" said Noel. "You've only just met her."

"He looks more like a puppy to me," said Big Mac.

Max didn't sound pleased. "Who is this bitch and where's she going with my best man?"

Ben took the list of pubs out of his pocket and held it out to Big Mac. "I'll phone you later and you can let me know where you are." He felt safe saying that. He doubted that any of them would know where they were by the time they left the next pub.

Cal had made it onto the roof of the car. He looked down at the others. "It's too high. I feel dizzy. Where's Ethan?"

Ben hesitated, aware that, after Cal, he was probably the most medically-trained person there. He decided he'd stay a few more minutes in case Cal injured himself, but after that, he was out of here. He didn't want to desert Max, but Max would forget his absence completely after another pint or two, and he could hardly take Dervla to all the pubs with them.

Iain switched his phone to video and pointed it at Cal. "Say that again and I'll help you get down."

Cal repeated it obediently. "It's too high. I feel dizzy. Where's Ethan? Can I come down now?"

"It's okay, Cal," said Iain. "Mac, will you hold my phone for me? Just point it at Cal: cheers, mate. Cal, just sit down, okay? That's good. Don't worry: I won't let you fall. I'm a paramedic."

Ben watched as Iain carefully coaxed Cal to the edge of the car and helped him down.

"You big baby!" said Max, but Cal seemed to have forgotten the incident with the car already.

"I hope there are some hot women in the next pub," he said to Iain as they started walking, leaving Ben and Dervla behind. "They're all playing hard to get tonight."

"They play hard to get with me every night," said Big Mac.

Cal slung his arm around Big Mac's shoulders. "Don't you just hate it when they do that? It's like they seriously believe you're going to hang around and make an effort with them when we could just go after someone else."

Big Mac nodded wisely. "Some girls just don't get it."

Ben smiled to himself, then he bent down impulsively and gave Dervla another hug. "You're the only girl I'd ever want, Dervla," he said. "But I know someone who wants to see you even more than I do."

* * *

Dylan lay on his bed in the dark. It hadn't been dark when he'd lain down, but he didn't think he'd moved since then. He didn't remember moving. All he'd done was think and cry.

His job was gone. There was no way he was getting it back now. Dervla had gone. Ben had gone. Zoe would be gone too after he failed to turn up for the wedding tomorrow. As he'd told Zoe, he'd been on his own for thirty-eight years. It looked like he would be on his own for the next thirty-eight too.

He considered throwing himself into the canal, but that would involve moving. A lot of moving. He'd have to get off the bed, walk to the door, leave the boat… no, he didn't want to do anything like that.

He closed his eyes and heard Dervla. The pattering of her feet on the path outside. The little, excited noises she used to make when she saw him. He didn't move. He'd heard that a lot since she'd gone and it was never real.

Then he heard a voice. He couldn't quite hear the words, but he knew that voice.

Dylan suddenly found he was at the window, trying to see out of it. A moment later, he heard Ben unlocking the door.

"Dylan?" He called out. "We're home! Go on, Dervla. Go and find Dylan."

Dylan ran towards the sound and was almost knocked over. He fell to his knees, holding her and crying again, though with happiness this time.

Ben sat beside him and planted a kiss on his cheek. He sat with his arm around Dylan's waist and watched as Dylan hugged Dervla, and Dervla licked his tears away. This made his face even wetter, but Ben knew Dylan didn't mind.

"I thought you had a stag night," said Dylan.

Ben shrugged. "It's not important. Max is my best mate and I'm proud to be his best man, but you and Dervla… you're more than just mates, aren't you? You're like family."

"I've never had a family," said Dylan.

"Well, you have now, haven't you?" said Ben. "And we love you. Don't we, Dervla?"

It did seem as though Dervla agreed. She rubbed her head against Dylan's chest. Ben moved closer and held his cheek against Dylan's.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the stag night," said Ben. "I thought you knew. It didn't even occur to me that I might not have told you. I've told you everything else. I suppose it just seemed unimportant. It's just been so far from my mind. Big Mac came up today and asked what I was doing for the stag night and I was so shocked it was here already. I know that's not really any excuse, Dylan. But that's what happened."

Dylan turned his head and kissed him. "It's okay, Ben. We both made mistakes today. I didn't go to my appointment. Rita came along and saw me and I left. I suppose I just panicked. I'm sorry."

Ben gave Dylan a firm kiss. "Don't worry. There's always tomorrow. You've got Dervla back now. She's alive, she's happy and it looks like she's been well-fed, but she loves you even more than food. So things are better now. For all of us. " He laughed. "You should have seen her racing across the road to get to me!"

"And you brought her back to me," said Dylan. He kept hold of Dervla with one hand and put his other arm around Ben.

"Of course I did," said Ben. He kissed Dylan. "How about I make us all something to eat while you and Dervla have a cuddle?"

"Because I want to cuddle you too," said Dylan. "And so does Dervla."

Dervla turned towards Ben and confirmed Dylan's words by covering him with licks.

Dylan's phone began to ring. He kissed Ben and Dervla and took it out of his pocket. "Yes! Yes, Zoe. For pity's sake, yes. The answer is yes."

"You don't even know what I'm asking yet," said Zoe. She sounded slightly drunk but very happy.

"It doesn't matter," said Dylan. "Yes, I'll give you away tomorrow. Yes, I'll go and see that Ben Harding if you insist. Yes, I want my job back. Will that do?"

"Oh, Dylan, that's brilliant!" said Zoe. "I'm really happy. About everything. Thank you. But I was actually going to ask if I could give your number to a girl I've met in the pub."

"No!" shouted Dylan, startling Ben and Dervla. He heard Zoe giggling on the other end of the phone. "No, Zoe, for pity's sake, no. The answer is no. I have the only girl I could ever want here with me now, and if you don't mind, Zoe, I'd like to get back to her."

There was a silence. "You mean Dervla, don't you?"

"Yes."

Zoe's voice filled with excitement. "She came back to you? Dylan, I'm so pleased. Now, I've got to go. Robyn is waving a pair of pants in my face and they're definitely not hers."

"Have a good time, behave yourself and I'll see you tomorrow," said Dylan.

"Thanks, Dylan. Same to you," said Zoe, and rang off.

"Yes, I will have a good time," said Dylan thoughtfully.

"You will if I've got anything to do with it!" said Ben.

Dylan kissed him. "Whether you like it or not, you'll have everything to do with it."

He knew the next few months, perhaps years, would be difficult. He had a problem and he needed to get better. He had three reasons to get better – Zoe, Ben and Dervla - and he certainly didn't need any more than that.

He wouldn't worry about tomorrow now. He knew he would worry very much when tomorrow came, but for now, he would just think about tonight.

With Ben.


End file.
